Hearts Undone
by sunsetdreamer
Summary: A spin on "Another Woman." My theory is, had the issues in Another Woman been addressed properly, there wouldn't have been a need for awkward, annoying episodes like, "Orphan Train." My mind wanders easily.... this is the result.
1. Chapter 1

Obviously I don't own Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, or any of its affiliates. I have shamelessly borrowed lines from both the show, and a few alternative literary pieces I just thought were cool; but I meant no harm in it. Don't sue me, I'm poor. Seriously, my friend and I went to the drugstore and used testers the other day because we were too cheap to buy hand cream…. Ahh the University student budget :) .

Dedicated to Duck: Happy Birthday… two years late

Hearts Undone

Chapter 1

The strong oak door to the clinic stood proudly open, allowing a fresh breeze to cast its scent throughout the room as Matthew brought in the last of her boxes. Michaela stood by the operating table, unloading supplies as quickly as Matthew could bring them in.

"I'm so glad this shipment came in on time." Michaela reflected aloud. She knew the dire consequences which could be suffered due to the erratic schedule of the stagecoach; losing patients despite every effort on her part was one thing, but she would never, could never, grow accustomed to losing patients simply due to shortages in common medicines.

"We were runnin' awful low on some of it, Dr. Mike." Colleen agreed.

Before Michaela could give the matter any further thought, Brian's voice echoed happily across the room, "Hey Sully!"

She turned in surprise to see for herself the man she had bade goodbye only hours before. "I thought you were going hunting?"

The hint of a smile played across his lips as he approached the woman he had fallen so hard for, "The sun's out, grass smells sweet... besides, I wanted to see you again."

His voice was husky, tickling her skin from a distance, making her hairs stand on end and forcing her to take a deep breath in order to calm the inward quivering. For a moment, he thought he had broken through, he heard the slight intake of her breath... felt the charge jump straight from her elevated pulse to his...but no. Her mind was already focused back on the bottles of medicine before her. Distracted. Aloof.

"We just saw each other an hour ago."

"I missed you." He tried again softly, edging around the table to embrace her lightly from behind. Then the kiss; gentle, yet oh so sensual on the back of her neck.

"Sully, the children." She warned. The children weren't the real concern; his soft lips placed the barest of touches on her skin, and her limbs fell instantly disconnected as the heady scents of leather, wood and spices overtook her. Their dance had begun.

He only smiled, pleased with himself. He saw her, and it was pleasing to know what he was capable of doing to her, pleasing to know he too was capable of provoking the same emotions she brought out in him so obliviously. Impulsively he began backing towards the door, pulling his reluctant partner with him, "C'mon, let's go someplace... Grace's. We'll get some pie."

"Now?!" It was a stall. Maybe if he heard the incredulity in her tone, he would recognize the foolishness of his so called, "idea."

"Right now." Her hands were in his, and she was finding it difficult to remember exactly why the idea was so foolish.

"...Sounds lovely, but it's impossible." Her voice appeared firm, yet her skin continued to smoulder where he had touched it so briefly.

"Why?"

"I – I wish you'd, ask me in advance, I made plans." She was losing focus, and she couldn't suppress the hint of annoyance swelling just beneath her pores towards the man who could so easily alter his daily schedule.

"Go on Ma." Her son chirped cheerfully.

"You don't have patients 'til later." Colleen added.

"We'll finish up here." With Matthew's input, the ambush was complete.

They were traitors, the three of them. She looked into the "innocent," faces of her children... the children who had successfully backed her into a very cramped corner. They would pay. Michaela released an inward sigh; she would have to find a way to say no without hurting his feelings. "Sully, I'm sorry- Oh!"

Michaela swallowed her protest as she was quite unexpectedly, and quite literally, swept off her feet. "Sully what are you doing?" She exclaimed. Her voice was loud, but there was no mistaking the laughter. "Sully!" She made one last feeble protest, and then gave in to his uncharacteristic burst of high spirits. Feeling, safe in his embrace, as if anything were possible, she was rendered suddenly unconcerned with the thoughts of medicine which had so consumed her only moments before, and she held on tightly as he headed for the door.

They were barely granted time to cross the threshold before their interlude was marred by the ostentatious, thundering approach of an army wagon. The jovial atmosphere vanished completely as a nervous unsettling wormed its way to the pit of their stomachs, and the smiles died on their faces. No communication was necessary as he silently placed her on her own two feet.

"You folks will be pleased to know that we've eliminated another Indian problem from your fair town." The arrogant sergeant bragged.

She felt the tension emanating from the sturdy figure beside her; gone was all trace of the happy, light-hearted man of only moments before in the terse face she stared into now. The muscles in his jaw twitched as he looked on in anger and frustration at the scene unfolding before him, and she could feel his pain intermingled with his rage as deeply as if it were her own. Before she could formulate a gesture of comfort, the army man continued.

"There's a woman in the back of the wagon, let's leave her here with the good doctor."

"What'd you bring her back here for?" Jake's ignorant, obnoxious holler rose above the rest; as usual, and Michaela found herself consciously biting her lip; suppressing the angry retort already on her tongue in order to hear the response.

"We rescued her from the savages."

She had heard enough. She rushed into action, and felt Sully protectively behind her as she reached the back of the wagon.

"An injun woman?!" Jake continued indignantly.

"...She's not an Indian... she's a white woman." She stated. The words hung in the air as those present absorbed the new information; the sun shone brightly in a cloudless sky, and the birds flew happily onward.

* * *

He made his way to the homestead gently cradling his cargo; he hoped it fit. Regardless, it had to be better than what she was wearing now. He wasn't quite sure what to make of the woman… he just knew he had to do something for her. Something to let her know she wasn't alone in the world. Something to give her some faith in himself and Michaela and the kids. Something to enlighten her to the fact that there were those who stood aside from the general idiot population of Colorado Springs. Maybe he could bring her to the reservation with him tomorrow…

"_She's a white woman."_ Michaela's shocked statement reverberated on an endless loop through his head as his legs guided him unseeingly from the reservation to the homestead, and he felt the tremors of his surprise anew. The woman had calmed down considerably once the town had ceased crowding her, and given Dr. Mike room to do her job; the blind panic in her expression had remained however, and Sully was not entirely convinced she wouldn't try to run again if the opportunity presented itself.

He reached the door and knocked lightly, waiting for Dr. Mike to let him in. Once she opened the door he stepped inside, anxious to deliver his token of friendship.

"Evenin' everyone." He greeted them, his touch drawn to rest briefly on Michaela's arm of its own will. Somewhat clumsily, he handed the soft deerskin dress to the female stranger, "I brought this for you."

She cautiously took the tan coloured garment from his outstretched arms and made her way to the privacy screen without a word.

"It's beautiful… that was very thoughtful of you." Michaela interjected.

She was prettier than he remembered. Well, she had been pretty from the start, anyone who wasn't blind could plainly see that, but now, freshly washed and hair shining, she was stunning.

"Well, I figured she needed something to wear." He answered distractedly while still staring at the partition.

Michaela's gaze flitted nervously between Sully, and the screen which did precious little to disguise the woman's naked silhouette. Sully made no move to avert his gaze; however, she did have to admit he seemed distracted tonight. Perhaps it wasn't the girl he was staring at so intensely… it was far more likely he was only lost in thought; she knew as well as anyone that such an action was easy enough to do. After all, he wouldn't have the audacity to be staring so boldly at another woman's figure right in front of her. He had more respect for her feelings than that. She swallowed her slight agitation. He wasn't doing anything wrong. The dress was a wonderful gesture. Sully looked towards her at that moment as if he himself wanted assurance that the gift was okay. She smiled her approval, and he smiled back, appeased.

The attractive blond emerged from behind the panel more beautiful still than only moments before, and Michaela's stomach fluttered as the sinking feeling she had been trying to ignore settled firmly in her belly. In that very moment, something had just slid out of her control, and she couldn't even begin to place what it was.

"You look lovely… doesn't she Sully?"

Michaela's voice broke through the tension that had snuck into the room, "Yes she does." Sully replied without thought.

He was not a social man by nature; very rarely was he motivated to spend extended time with anyone outside the small number of people he considered friends, and it was an even rarer occurrence for him to find himself so curious about another person… a stranger, even within the solitude of his own mind. Yet even Sully, with his immense respect for the space and privacy of others, could not help wondering about the stranger who was, for all intensive purposes, so much like himself. It was a powerful thing to find another human being who seemed similar to you in the one way which you thought you were unique; alone. He wasn't quite sure what to make of that feeling.

Michaela attempted to regain some semblance of order, burying the uncertainty rising within her, "It's late, perhaps we should all think about getting some sleep." She smiled tightly.

Sully reached for her a moment too late, and Michaela was outside his grasp in an instant, completely oblivious of the snub she had just delivered. Sully pulled his hand back, and with the ease of a practiced professional, erased all traces of injury from his face.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

_The world is awash with colour; an artist's dream. God takes his brush and lovingly splashes an inspiring red over the town of Colorado Springs; then a smaller brush touches the sky, and the perfect shade of burnt orange melts behind the setting sun. Smaller still, and the backdrop is showered with a myriad of yellow specks. As the sun falls toward the horizon the shadows grow longer on the trees, and their dark patches move rapidly in time with the figures in motion down on earth._

_Sully, Brian, and Catherine race after the wooden hoop, chasing one another through the long grass in the fading sunlight; Van Gogh would depict them outrunning their own shadows, defying the laws of nature and represented only by tiny blurred strokes on the canvas. A solitary figure sits on the porch, accentuated by her stillness; a talented brush could capture her long hair blowing softly with the breeze, the high cheekbones set atop the firm jaw; a quintessential beauty. The tallest blur slows and materializes as Sully; and life is blown into the still being on the porch as her heart squeezes with every step taken in her direction._

_He is so good to her. And despite her usual self confidence she cannot help but feel that perhaps she does not deserve it. Perhaps she is not worthy of the faith and love he holds for her. She has seen him look at her as if she is capable of achieving anything, as if she is infallible; and she knows she could fail from the next moment in time until the end of her life, and the way he watched her would remain unchanged. No human being is deserving of such devotion. No human being can expect that sort of treatment to last. It defied all logic and practicality. _

_Sully sweeps his hair out of his eyes and gives Michaela a wide smile, and her face reflexively contorts into a smile of its own. It is good to see him smile, good to see they could still smile together despite the growing distance between them._

"_Are you having fun?" Her voice is light, it masks her darker thoughts and she waits for his reply._

"_Sure am." The boyish grin is once again on his face, but Michaela knows this time, she isn't responsible for putting it there. Her heart gives a tiny twitch._

_He wants to touch her, but the fear of scaring her away holds him back. Instead he offers one last smile, then turns to catch Brian as he zips past, and tosses the boy in the air. Soon they are gone, darting about the property as if they are riding the wind itself, leaving Michaela to her musings._

_She dreams of light. She dreams of a light which creeps into her troubled soul and shows her a world that is not shadowed and empty. The hollowness recedes as a beautiful radiance shines forth and reclaims the fortress it used to know, long before the doubt slithered forth and erased all which was good and pure. A different time all together. Long ago when she loved him and he loved her, long before the fear took over. She wants to __believe__ what she did then… she wants to forfeit her ability to think, and simply exist in a world where all is perfect. She wants to remember the good and pure._

* * *

"I'm so glad you could help us Dr. Mike, Charlie was about to drive me plumb crazy with all his scratching."

Michaela laughed, "I know how hard having the chicken pox can be for a child. Don't worry; it should pass within the next week or so."

As her last patients of the day made their way through the clinic door, the smile slowly faded from Michaela's face. She shut the door and sat at her desk, the clock ticking loudly in her ears. With precious little besides her own mind to keep her company, her thoughts soon drifted to Sully, and she shook her head angrily in a vain attempt to clear it. Her heart hurt.

Blinking away tears she couldn't even explain to herself, Michaela stood up and carefully organized her books before taking off her smock and reaching for her medical bag. The empty clinic, once her haven, was now yet another reminder of how painfully alone she was presently feeling.

Relations between Michaela and Sully had been, strenuous to say the least for the last few days; the presence of Catherine continued to drive a wedge into the fragile new relationship they has so cautiously founded. Michaela pretended not to be upset, and Sully... she sighed, she had never felt further away from him. Michaela locked up the clinic and began her journey home on foot. She needed to clear her head. She was under no illusions, she realized the relationship between Sully and herself was far less than perfect, but she loved him, and he loved her, and she had hoped that would be enough.

Catherine was the embodiment of all the things she herself could never be for Sully, the woman was just like him; and he was not required to stop and explain Cheyenne customs to this newfound kindred spirit in the same way he was to her. Michaela ardently resented the feelings of inadequacy, and only wished she could feel as confident and secure in her relationship as she did in her medical clinic.

As she followed the road out of town Michaela's quiet reverie was interrupted by the ever increasing volume of footsteps pounding behind her.

"Hey ma!" Brian greeted her excitedly from a few yards away.

Michaela smiled, it was impossible to brood around her ever cheerful son; his good humour rarely ceased to be contagious. "Hello Brian." she replied softly.

He slid to a stop in front of her, "Guess what Sully and I did today?"

Michaela's smile grew slightly strained at the mere mention of the man currently causing so much turmoil within her. She quickly swallowed and pushed through the lump in her throat; "Hmm, did you perhaps...go fishing?" She tickled his stomach and couldn't help laughing as he squirmed and giggled.

"Ma-a!" Brian pushed her hands away, "No, we didn't go fishin', Sully took me to this place in the woods, an' then..."

Brian's voice slipped further and further away from her as she looked past him to the figure approaching. The figure with the perfect, sun kissed hair and skin so contrasting to the delicate porcelain of her own. The figure who stood at just the right height for her head to nestle comfortably in the crook of his shoulder; two perfect puzzle pieces. The figure who could send her heart careening at frightening speeds with nothing more than a look... the figure who was slowly but surely tossing her aside; disposing of their complicated, angst filled relationship for one with a woman of his own kind. A woman who could give him everything she had never been able, would never be able.

Michaela's heart contracted painfully in her chest as he slowly ambled towards them in that fashion which was distinctly Sully. Unlike herself, Sully was no slave to the constraints of time and schedules, he never felt the constant pressure of them pressing on him, and it showed with every slow, confident step he took. Michaela grew increasingly short of breath as the distance between them lessened, and in all too short a time, Sully stood next to Brian.

Despite the vast, open meadow surrounding her, Michaela couldn't recall ever feeling more caged. Her heart thumped quickly in her chest, and as usual, there wasn't a thing she could do to slow it. The loss of control, even over something as trivial as her heartbeat, suddenly grated on Michaela's nerves more than it ever had before; the last person she wanted to see right now was Sully.

Their eyes locked and Michaela felt his piercing blue gaze burning her, searching her very soul and unveiling all the little truths and insecurities she was't ready to let him see; she had nowhere to hide, and she was terrified. Panicked, like so many times before, Michaela dropped her gaze to the ground, instantly severing the connection, and furious with herself for once again proving incapable of triumph over her foolish fears; incapable of exhibiting the same degree of self confidence she felt in medicine, in her relationship. Her anger mounted as her cheeks grew hot; telltale signs of the embarrassed blush she was certain now graced her face.

"...an' then Sully said we could do it again any time I want so long's it's okay with you, ain't that great Ma?"

Michaela snapped to attention; she had missed nearly every word Brian said. She risked a glance at Sully, and felt her face heat to a further shade of red as she saw the traces of a smirk on his face; he had been watching her; he had known she wasn't paying attention, and now he was laughing at her, mocking her. Her anger at him was sparked anew as he waited alongside Brian for her response; it was HIS fault she had stopped paying attention in the first place! She resisted an alarmingly strong and childish urge to stick her tongue at him.

"That sounds wonderful Brian."

Brian grinned widely and then resumed his chatter, oblivious as always to the apprehensive air around him. He turned to Sully and continued, "I learnt a new song t' play on my harmonica, I 

can't wait to show ya after supper."

Sully would have laughed at the panicked expression on Michaela's face if it hadn't hurt so badly. At what point had the thought of his company become enough to invoke terror in her?

"Sorry Brian, I got things to do t'night."

"Aww come on Sully." Brian protested, "Ya gotta eat with us."

"I gotta check my traps."

"Oh." came Brian's disappointed response. It took less than a moment for the saddened expression to once again disappear behind an enthusiastic grin, "Will ya be back by next week?"

"I don't know." Sully replied, somewhat frustrated, "We'll see."

"Brian if Sully has things to attend to, you need to accept that." Michaela scolded gently.

"But –

"Brian, please."

"I'll be here." Sully stated firmly.

Brian's face lit up, "Ya promise?"

Sully gazed intently at Michaela, "Promise. So long as it's okay with Dr. Mike."

"Of course." Michaela responded aloofly, "I'm sure Catherine will be anxious to see you."

His eyes narrowed, "Brian, would ya mind givin' us a minute to talk?"

"Sure Sully." Brian scurried off to explore the area around the creek.

Sully turned his attention back to Michaela as Brian reached a safe distance away, "Ya wanna tell me what I've done that's got ya all riled up?"

"You haven't done anything Sully." Michaela sighed resignedly, "I'm just… I'm not in the best of moods right now."

"Seems to be happenin' an awful lot lately."

"I beg your pardon?" she bristled.

"Why don't ya just say what's botherin' ya?"

"There is nothing wrong. We need to be heading home now." Michaela changed the subject abruptly, "You should get going as well if you want to see to your traps before nightfall."

"Fine." Sully's harsh tone depicted his impatience. "See ya next week." he called roughly over his shoulder as he stormed away in the opposite direction.

Michaela warred against her heart's desperate compulsion to call him back, to somehow explain to him why, especially now, she couldn't seem to help pushing him away, but pride kept her from doing so. She would give him no more power over her; not until she was sure where she and Catherine stood in his mind.

"Brian!" She called, in as cheerful of a voice as she could muster, "It's time to go home."

* * *

Although Sully gave no indication that he was still listening, he subconsciously tuned in to the sound of her voice calling to Brian. Before they had admitted their feelings for one another… before he had been able to even internally **define **his feelings for her, he had listened to her voice. Every accent and crescendo was committed to memory, and he was unwittingly in constant anticipation of that way in which her tone turned to soft, thick velvet as she was sentimentally moved.

"_Thank you, Sully."_

"…_it was the nicest gift that I got…"_

A smile flitted across his face as he reflected on happier times. That tone was chocolate; sweet, sweet, smooth chocolate. He could vividly taste the delicate liquid sliding past his tongue and down his throat with every word she uttered. Sully had never been overly fond of chocolate, had never understood its addictive, seductive power, until meeting Michaela. That first soft, earnest, word of thanks she had bestowed upon him after aiding her in her search for Brian had served to seal his fate. Michaela's voice was dangerous and safe all at once; he was never aware of the power it held over him until he was without it. She had no idea the favours he did for her were so selfishly motivated; bringing provisions, fixing roofs, doors, windows… he fished for any excuse to stay near her, to please her, to have her look at him with those large, beautiful eyes and whisper to him in that manner which made him feel like he was capable of anything simply because _she _believed he was.

Off in the growing distance, Michaela and Brian continued, transporting Sully back from his reverie.

"That's a good question Brian, we can look up the answer together once we reach the homestead if you'd like."

Sully frowned as he realized how far his mind had drifted. Her voice was anything but smooth now. He wondered if the tense falsetto was as obvious to everyone else's ears as his own. From Brian's cheerful reply, he was going to assume no. He shook his head and continued walking, 

glowering as the distance between them grew. It was much easier being alone. Sometimes he couldn't figure out what was going on in that head of hers. Clearly Michaela was angry about something, but she was too stubborn to confide in him, and Sully certainly wasn't going to offer an apology without knowing what it was he was apologizing for; she wouldn't accept it anyway.

* * *

As they trekked through the forest carrying their small kills, Cloud Dancing watched as Sully scowled for the umpteenth time and subconsciously increased his pace. It was evident his best friend had much on his mind, and even the solitude of the hunt wasn't aiding in clearing the fog which surrounded him. Sully's restless quiet was tolerated for the duration of their hunt, however once they returned to the reservation and diligently set about skinning their prey, Cloud Dancing decided Sully had been given more than enough time in the last few days to brood over what was troubling him.

"There is a darkness in your spirit. What is it that upsets you?"

Sully stared at his best friend for a moment, then sighed and placed his knife on the ground before him. "It's Dr. Mike."

"Ah." Cloud Dancing nodded understandingly. "It has been many days since I last saw her. She is busy with Shivering Deer."

"Yeah, Catherine." Sully dropped his gaze back to the ground and absently ran a finger in circles through the sand. "What do you think about her?"

"You have feelings for her." Cloud Dancing surmised.

"What? No." Sully shook his head. "No, not like that, not exactly just….just curious is all."

"Catherine is much like you."

It was Sully's turn to nod, "I think that upsets Dr. Mike."

"Perhaps she sees something you have not seen yet." He suggested.

"Like what?"

"Only you can answer that."

"I feel like…" Sully struggled to put a voice to the general, off-centered feeling which enveloped him, "things ain't matchin' up the way they should. One second, everythin's almost normal, and then it's like bein' with a person I don't even know."

"These are things you should discuss with Dr. Mike."

"She ain't really in the mood for discussin' anything with me." Sully stated wryly. "'Sides, like ya said, she's busy."

Cloud Dancing shrugged, "She has always been busy."

With these last words, Cloud Dancing resumed his work on the animal skins, and Sully soon picked up his knife and followed suit. What Cloud Dancing said was true, Dr. Mike _was _always busy; it was he who had a hard time standing idly by, knowing there were so many things he could be showing her if she would only take some time for herself. On the other hand however, everyone had limits, and he was fast approaching his. It was becoming increasingly difficult not to take each rejection personally. He treaded over her neat, organized life, and oftentimes she seemed none too grateful for the intrusion.

"She is proud. As you are. This does not mean she does not care." Cloud Dancing responded, as if he were able to read Sully's most intimate of thoughts.

"We'll see."

* * *

Memory was an enigmatic phenomenon. One week ago, the thought of Sully, sight unseen, had riled a flurry of irritation within her, mainly toward herself, for the uncharacteristic vulnerability she was experiencing. Outside, amongst the sweet smells of the grass and the flowers, the wind gently stirring the trees, it was impossible to envision any situation to be quite as bad as first imagined. Perhaps stress had been at the root of her short tempered, distracted behaviour the previous week. Perhaps Sully would return from his hunting trip, and things would be just as they had always been.

Michaela's thoughts flitted aimlessly as she hung the laundry to dry, keeping an eye on Brian and Catherine as she did so. She smiled at the sight of the two of them, kneeling in the grass, heads bent in concentration over some pieces of rope. Brian had an admirable gift for connecting with people; however disagreeable a person appeared to the rest of the world, Brian could effortlessly find a way into their heart. He roused love in people who didn't know they were capable of feeling anymore. She had seen it with Loren and countless others; she had experienced it with herself.

When Sully left, Catherine had withdrawn back into herself, thrown off balance by the disappearance of the one person in their town she truly connected with. Brian, as usual, was not deterred by her silence; he had wandered out to the porch to sit quietly beside her that first afternoon, and by supper, he had won her confidence. Since that day, Michaela had learned to quickly quell any sort of wariness or uncertainty which unexpectedly arose, and they had all settled in to a new, comfortable routine. There was much to be learned from Brian Cooper.

The last of the laundry airing in the slight breeze, Michaela approached Brian and Catherine's spot in the yard.

"Hey Ma, look what I made!" Brian grinned proudly as he held up a knot. "Catherine says 

they're real good for catchin' rabbits. Even Sully ain't never made one like this."

Catherine blushed slightly under Brian's praise, "We will show him when he comes back."

Michaela smiled through the now familiar qualm Catherine stirred, burying it so quickly even she could almost convince herself it had never been there, "That would be lovely. I'm sure Sully would appreciate that."

Suddenly Brian was on his feet, "Hey! He's here!" he cast the rope carelessly to the ground and ran as quickly as he could manage towards the approaching horse. Michaela watched Brian rush fearlessly towards Sully; her heart jumping to her throat as he stopped directly in the horse's path, forcing Sully to veer sharply in order to avoid trampling him.

"Careful Brian." Sully admonished as he jumped down from the saddle.

Brian paid no mind and launched himself at Sully, trusting the older man to catch him, "We missed ya."

"It's only been a week." Sully laughed as he tethered his horse with his free hand.

"Did ya catch anythin' good?"

Sully shrugged, "Couple birds… mainly rabbits."

Brian, reminded of his recent adventure with Catherine, began wriggling his legs furiously, expressing his desire to be put down. His legs had no sooner touched the ground than he grabbed Sully's hand and began running. "C'mon! Ya gotta see what me and Catherine did!"

Sully gamely followed him back to the approximate location he had thrown the rope only moments before. While Brian searched the grass, Sully turned his attention to Michaela.

"Hi." He smiled.

"Hello Sully." She returned softly. _I'm sorry I was horrible; I was jealous and angry with myself and I should have behaved better… or at least had the decency to just come out and say what was bothering me instead of sulking like a petulant child…_

"I brought a rabbit… you can make stew for supper."

"Thank you. That's very kind."

Sully smiled at her, and she smiled back, suddenly genuinely very happy to see him, "You will stay for dinner, won't you?"

Sully's surprise was clearly illustrated across his face; lately it seemed as if she'd rather be anywhere besides around him. "Sure." He responded with a pleased smile.

Their conversation was halted by Brian locating his knot and emphatically waving it in front of him, "Found it." He called triumphantly.

"Whatcha got Brian?"

"It is a snare." Catherine answered.

"So it is." Sully grinned. He sat cross legged in the grass and took the rope from Brian's hands to examine it more closely.

"This is good."

Michaela continued to stand to the side while the three of them sat closely together and discussed the craftsmanship, Sully and Catherine slipping easily back and forth between English and Cheyenne. Brian, unfazed by his inability to understand portions of the conversation, chattered on and comically did his best to mimic the occasional word. Michaela fought hard against her impulse to demand a translation. She would not allow herself to become that person again.

"_Ha ho."_

"_What did she say?"_

"_Thank you."_

Michaela had pushed her way into their private moment on Catherine's first night, when Sully had brought her the dress. As soon as the words had left her mouth she had wanted to pull them back. Of all the ridiculous questions… she knew what "ha ho" meant, further still, **Sully** knew she knew. That had been the first time the feeling had taken hold in her; the panicked jealousy which shocked her, scared her. Sully did not **belong** to her, and for her to be so petty, so possessive of another human being that she would feel compelled to force herself in to every moment of the conversation; it was appalling.

"_What does she want?" Her voice sounded nosy and intrusive to even her own ears, and while a part of her was wincing in shame, the other part, the part which had assumed control, was not so easily silenced._

"_She wants me to stay."_

Michaela shook her head, clearing away the images. For a week she had been lying to herself quite successfully, but reality had crept back in, and the truth was, nothing had changed since their last encounter in the meadow.

She cleared her throat, "Colleen should be back from Becky's within a few minutes. I think I'll get things started."

"Okay Ma." Brian answered distractedly.

Sully lifted his head and frowned as he watched her stiffly walk away. Before he could put any thought into it however, Brian was commanding his attention once again. "Are ya watchin' Sully? Did ya see?"

Sully shook his head, "Sorry Brian I missed it."

_Sorry I lied to everyone and didn't have the chapter posted when I said, haha. Chapter three will get posted tomorrow... same Bat time, same Bat channel!_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Noise created by the comforting town bustle of Colorado Springs filtered through the open window as Michaela sat at her desk; doing her best to concentrate on the contents of her medical journal, half heartedly turning the pages every so often. Last night's supper had gone surprisingly well following her initial temporary loss of composure. Perhaps it was the added presence of the children which eased the strain between her and Sully. They were able to carry out a lively and amicable discussion throughout the meal; things were almost normal. She couldn't fathom how at times it could be possible to feel so close to a person, and at others as if they were galaxies away. A knock on the door drew her out of her thoughts, and she placed her pencil between the pages to keep her place.

"Come in."

The door opened a crack and Sully's face peeked around the corner, "You busy?"

"Not especially." She smiled.

He grinned and pushed the door open, moving to the centre of the room and leaning against the examination table. "It's a beautiful day outside. Weather ain't been perfect like this in awhile."

"No, it certainly hasn't."

"I was thinkin'…" Sully began, "I never did get to rescue ya from all your work… feel like gettin' a basket from Grace and havin' a picnic?"

Michaela shook her head, "That would be wonderful, but I really need to get this done."

Sully looked pointedly around the empty room, "Booked solid huh?"

Michaela's skin prickled slightly, "Quite, actually. Dorothy's throat has been giving her some trouble, I'm expecting her any moment now."

"And after that?"

"I have files to update. Really Sully, as attractive an idea as it is, today just isn't a good day for me."

"Ya need a life outside workin' Dr. Mike." Sully said softly. "Kids are almost done school… I can meet 'em out at the homestead; make sure Brian gets a start on his homework, then come pick you up once ya finish with Dorothy. It's warm enough the kids could even go swimmin'."

"Sully –

Sully raised both hands in surrender, "If ya really don't wanna go I won't ask again, I just think you should give it some thought 'fore you say no."

Michaela paused as she gazed at his sincere expression; five minutes with Sully, even when she was slightly annoyed with him, and she was contemplating throwing away what should have been a productive workday. It was a dangerous effect he had on her.

"I'm sorry Sully." She shook her head, "As I said… not today."

"Fine." He pushed himself away from the examination table, "Guess I'll see ya later then."

"Another time."

"Sure Dr. Mike."

_He seemed… indifferent? No. resigned? Yes. Resigned. There was no sign of the trademark annoyance she usually saw in his expression after she opted to stay inside and work__,__ rather than spontaneously abandon__ing__ her responsibilities__. In its place, she saw__ a submissive expression which accepted that interruption and distraction were genuinely not welcome, and it was unlikely they would ever be offered again. A battle __of sorts __had been won… when was the last time winning had left her feeling so hollow?_

In the seconds to come, Michaela might have spoken, might have sensed that some imaginary line had been crossed, might have made an attempt to fix the fault line between them that was slowly evolving into something much more catastrophic. Sully might have stayed, might have assuaged her fears and spoken of his own insecurities, might have held her and told her it was okay to be afraid, because he was afraid too. But they had been given time, and time had been wasted. Time had no compassion for those who too often took it for granted.

The clinic door was already swinging open by the time they heard the knock, "Oh! Evenin' Sully."

"Ms. Dorothy." Without another glance toward Michaela, Sully nodded to Dorothy, then backed through the doorway and disappeared around the corner.

"Did I interrupt somethin' important?" Dorothy ventured curiously.

Michaela shrugged her shoulders, feigning indifference, "Nothing that won't keep until later. Here, let me help you with that." She took Dorothy's shawl and busied herself hanging it on the coat rack.

"Don't tell me you're still upset with him."

"I was never upset with him Dorothy." Michaela stated matter of factly as she picked up a tongue depressor, "Only with myself. Open wide."

Dorothy gently pushed Michaela's hand away from her mouth, "Michaela the man loves you. He traveled clear across the country to tell ya so. It's perfectly natural for a pretty girl to turn a fellow's head… it'll never amount to nothin'. Not with Sully."

Michaela sighed, temporarily giving up on her attempts to steer clear of personal conversation. Dorothy's advice, while well intended, was somewhat misguided. However Michaela herself couldn't quite understand precisely what was wrong between them….it would be simpler to just allow Dorothy to assume what she wanted. Catherine was still very much a part of the problem… but Michaela was beginning to believe she was more of a catalyst than anything else.

"Dorothy she's so much more than pretty. She's a manifestation of everything I can never be for him. She can empathize with him on a level I never can. How can I be expected to compete with that?"

"Ya don't have to Michaela. Sully fell in love with ya just as you are right here in front of me. He's just sortin' things out. He'll come around."

"Catherine has changed something in both of us." She let the words roll off her tongue slowly, giving her brain a chance to reflect on the implications of this revelation, "Something that perhaps was there all along; hidden… I feel as if he's a different person; as if _I_ am somehow a different person…"

"Well that's just ridiculous." Dorothy clicked her tongue, "Sully and you are two of the most independent, stubborn people I know. Neither of you does nothin' you don't want to. If somethin' like that was botherin' him he'd let you know, same as you would."

Michaela thought back on all the things they hadn't said to each other….things which had once seemed small on an individual plane, but were now pressing down on them, suffocating them. She thought of all the times in the last few weeks she had come so close to confessing every silly, irrational fear, only to clam up again at the last moment and push it into the back of her mind.

"I think you might be surprised."

* * *

Michaela could hear the children's voices far before she saw the wagon passing her window. Her brow creased slightly as she tried to decipher what in the world they were all doing outside the clinic. Immediately assuming there was some sort of emergency, she rushed to the door and threw it open, almost colliding with Brian.

"Ma!"

She reached out an arm to steady him, "Are you alright?"

"Sure I am!"

Relieved to know that no one was injured, Michaela released her hold on him. "What are you all doing here?"

"We're goin' on a picnic with Sully." Brian beamed. "We want ya to come with us."

Michaela glared at Sully over Brian's head, and the undaunted face he sent back infuriated her all the more. "I'm sorry Brian, I have quite a bit of work left to do."

"**Please **Ma? Matthew already told us no… he's too busy with **Ingrid**." Brian drew out her name with typical little boy disgust.

"Brian I can't –

"Catherine ain't never had pecan pie before. Can you imagine that Ma? Never havin' pecan pie?"

Michaela continued to stare over the child's head at Sully, speaking with carefully controlled anger, "Brian, would you mind waiting in the wagon while I have a word with Sully?"

"Sure! Be fast, okay Ma? I wanna go swimmin'."

Their eyes remained deadlocked until Michaela turned on her heel and stormed into the clinic ahead of him. Sully shut the door softly and then turned to face her. She stood, wordlessly seething in the far corner of the room; this was going to be worse than he anticipated.

"I didn't plan this."

"Of course not." Michaela smirked, "The children came up with this entirely on their own."

"I got more respect for you then that. I told Brian you were busy, but he got this notion in his head that if he came down here himself –

"Oh?" She winced internally at the tone in her own voice;_ why was she picking a fight with him? Why was it suddenly so important she stay?_

Sully clenched and unclenched his fists… he shouldn't have let Brian talk him in to this. He had walked out to the homestead only to find Colleen and Brian near the point of exchanging blows, while Mathew did his best to ignore them both. It was one of those days where no one could be content boarded up indoors… _well_, he chanced a glance toward his present company, _almost no one_.

"_There's nothin' to do."_

"_Sully let's have a picnic!"_

"_I wanna go swimmin', Sully can we go swimmin'? Please?"_

It had seemed harmless enough at the time, and would have remained so had Brian not latched on to the notion that Dr. Mike should be going with them. Sully had tried to reason with him, had tried to explain that Dr. Mike really just wanted to work today, but Brian had been convinced it would make the most pleasant surprise, and in the end Sully had gone along with it.

Suddenly irritated, Sully let out a breath of frustration, "Look, Michaela I know better then to try an' force ya to do anythin'. Brian and Colleen just wanted to spend a little time with their Ma. Ya don't wanna go that fine; just tell 'em yourself so we can get outta here while the weather holds."

Her eyes narrowed, however before she could make her remark, Brian made an uninvited reappearance. "Almost ready?"

For a moment there was silence, then Michaela fixed a thin smile on her face and addressed her son, "Just give me a moment to organize myself Brian, I'll be right there."

"Great!" with that, Brian disappeared as quickly as he had entered.

"Dr. Mike…"

"Don't." Michaela shook her head, "I'll be out in a minute."

Sully walked out and slammed the door behind him. Michaela was tempted to give in to an equal display of temper, yet she managed to refrain…barely. She could feel Sully's eyes upon her through the window, and she refused to give him that satisfaction. Besides, if he could see her, then so could the children, and that wouldn't do at all. It only took a moment to gather her shawl and medical bag, and all too soon she was heading outside.

Brian grinned at her from the back of the wagon as she locked the door, and it was then that she realized Catherine was sitting in her usual seat beside Sully. Well that was fine; she didn't want to sit anywhere near Sully anyway. She climbed into the back and greeted Colleen, Brian and Catherine with a smile, pointedly ignoring Sully, whose only response was to roll his eyes and begin driving away.

They were soon far from town and well into the forest, and Michaela was finding it exceedingly difficult to remain angry when the children were so clearly excited. Brian and Colleen chattered amicably to one another and the three other adults with not so much as a harsh word between them as they jostled their way along the grassy forest floor. Michaela's heart was so thawed by their high spirits she even extended a charitable word to Sully.

"Where are we going?"

Sully smiled, but did not turn around. "You'll see."

He could feel her eyes burning into his back, but it only served to make him grin all the wider. Brian and Colleen's enthusiasm was infectious; the combination of their chatter and the weather worked wonders. Even Michaela had admitted she was no longer furious simply by addressing him. He felt confident enough in that to tease her, knowing before long it would pay off in a big way.

"I know where we're goin'."

"Quiet Brian!" Sully called from the front seat.

Colleen poked him in the ribs, "You weren't even supposed to know. Ya just heard Sully tell Mr. Bray."

"If it was supposed to be a secret they woulda whispered." Brian retorted.

"You told Loren, but you won't tell me?" Michaela questioned.

Sully shrugged, "In case there was an emergency or somethin'."

She smiled to herself, a wave of affection washing over her, chasing away the stubborn remnants of her annoyance. He was so reliable. Sometimes she forgot how thorough his spontaneous plans usually were; he thought of everything.

They had only been traveling a short time before the forest opened up into a large meadow. Michaela looked around her in disbelief… she had been through this very same part of the forest countless times when calling on patients and never before seen a meadow.

"Has this always been here?" Her face burned as soon as the words left her mouth. Of course it had always been there… meadows didn't just appear over night. Sully, bless his heart, allowed her blunder to slide.

"You ain't ever lookin' for it. A person could ride right alongside it and not even realize if they ain't payin' attention." He twisted in his seat and turned his head to face her for the first time since he stomped out of the clinic, "There's plenty about your town for ya to learn yet, Dr. Mike."

She returned his indulgent smile, then sat back contently and waited for the wagon to come to a stop.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"Can we go yet?" Brian asked for the third time in as many minutes.

"Brian," Michaela laughed, "I just watched you inhale two pieces of pie... give yourself a moment to settle before you run off to the creek."

Brian obediently sat back down on the blanket, but it only took a moment for his impatient fidgeting to resume.

"Would it really be so hard for ya t' just sit still for two seconds?" Colleen snapped in annoyance. "Ma and Sully are doin' a nice thing for us an' you're drivin' 'em crazy!"

"I am not!" Brian retorted indignantly.

"I got an idea," Sully stepped in smoothly, "Why don't the two of ya take Catherine and explore for a while. By the time you're finished showin' her your favourite spots, enough time will have passed t' go swimmin'."

Colleen looked toward Michaela, who nodded her approval. Brian stood up first, wiping his hands on his pants and staring happily down in Catherine's direction, "I'll show ya this great place to catch frogs. I saw one the size of my head once!"

"Brian, Catherine don't care about your stupid frogs."

Catherine smiled at his crestfallen expression, "It would be nice to look. We will go see."

The smile immediately returned to Brian's face as he grabbed Catherine's hand and began pulling her toward the tree line. Colleen gave an exasperated sigh, but followed nevertheless.

Catherine and the children drifted further and further from sight, until even the sound of Brian's excited chatter vanished into the wind. Sully felt an unwarranted flash of irritation as he watched Michaela immediately busy herself with the picnic dishes; in her own way, she was as bad as Brian.

"We'll need to be ready to leave as soon as the children come back; it's going to be dark soon."

"It'll be alright." he shrugged.

"The children have school tomorrow; I don't want them to be falling asleep on their feet."

Sully rolled his eyes and wordlessly handed her a glass.

"Thank you." Michaela replied politely. She idly turned the glass in her hands instead of placing it directly in the basket, and Sully recognized the nervous movement. He sat back and waited patiently for her to work up the courage to say what was on her mind.

"Thank you for dragging me out here." she stated shyly, all traces of previous hostility gone. "I know I wasn't exactly eager at first, but today has been beautiful."

Sully smiled, "I'm glad it was worth it." he took her hand and gently kissed her fingers; Michaela's heart beat faster.

She visibly relaxed and her fidgeting ceased. "Sometimes I find myself beginning to take this landscape for granted. Days like today remind me of how lucky we are."

Sully nodded his agreement and leaned against the tree trunk, "I'm gonna have to steal you away more often."

Michaela laughed, "I wouldn't ever get any work done."

They revelled in the complete normalcy between them as they sat together on the blanket. Sully observed Michaela's serene expression and saw for the first time in weeks the same beautiful, caring person he had fallen in love with. He hadn't realized just how much he had been longing for the return of Michaela as he knew her. "I missed you." Sully stated seriously.

"I missed you too." Michaela self consciously admitted, oblivious to the fact that Sully was referring to more than just his recent brief absence. "I'm sorry we fought."

"Us? Fight? Nah. Must be some other couple you're thinkin' of." he grinned.

Michaela's eyes sparkled, "Must be."

Side by side, they savoured the amicable silence for a few moments longer before Sully spoke again.

"How's Catherine been doin'?"

The atmosphere changed instantaneously as Michaela stiffened, only to then be immediately consumed with guilt for being so bothered by such a question. Why shouldn't Sully be concerned for Catherine? She was being absolutely ridiculous… and yet the most excruciating part remained that no matter how often she reminded herself of this fact, the knots in her stomach and throat continued to tighten. She once again began to busy herself with the remnants of their lunch.

"She's doing well. She's still understandably traumatized by all that's happened to her, but her health is much improved."

Sully frowned as he observed her abrupt shift in temperament. "Is somethin' wrong?"

"Of course not." Michaela replied in a slightly over bright tone. "I just want to finish cleaning up."

Despite her slightly brisk dismissal, Sully reached across the blanket for the basket. Her hand met his over the handle, and each drew in a sharp breath at the shock which ran through them both. Michaela looked down and gently but firmly pulled the basket away.

"Sully please, I said I would do it."

"I'm just trying to help."

"Well…don't."

Sully's face fell, and she attempted to soften her words. It wasn't his fault she was crazy….well, not entirely. "Why don't you go find the children? Brian's missed you so much in the last few days."

Sully sighed and looked out across the meadow. The sun sparkled brilliantly across the tree tops, creating a utopian illusion. It was hard to believe that anything could be wrong in the world amidst such beauty. Sully stood up and began to climb the tall oak they were sitting under.

"What are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doin'?"

"Why?"

He looked down at her and observed the slightly worried crease in her brow, "You ever been to the top of a tree, Dr. Mike?"

"No… but I've certainly dealt with a fair number of patients who have fallen out of them." She replied pointedly.

His arm extended upwards and he watched as Michaela's chest rose quickly with her sharp intake of breath. He smiled to himself as the pieces finally came together for him, "You ain't afraid of heights, are ya?"

"You're going to kill yourself." Michaela stated as nonchalantly as possible.

Sully flashed her a mischievous grin and grabbed hold of the next branch. "Does this bother ya?"

"Just come down… please." She insisted nervously.

"Ain't nothin' gonna happen, Dr. Mike."

'Fine, do whatever you want Sully."

Sully let go of the branch and dangled from one hand, "Does it bother ya if I do this?"

Michaela turned away and focused her attention back on the abandoned picnic. "You're being ridiculous."

"How 'bout this?" he joked as he began swinging carelessly back and forth, still only supported by one hand.

"I'm not looking."

"It's…." he trailed off, "What's that word ya like so much? Exhileratin'."

"And I'm not stitching you up if you fall either." She stated seriously as she placed a pie plate back in the basket.

Sully easily pulled himself onto the branch and gazed across the meadow… even from such a low branch, the view was spectacular. He turned his focus once again towards Michaela, who true to her word, was looking nowhere near his direction. The wind called to him as it blew across his face and in his hair, carrying with it the sweet smell of summertime. "Come up here with me."

Michaela paused and turned back to face him, her curiosity piqued by his serious tone. "I don't think so."

"Please?"

"I'm not sure it would be a good idea…"

"I'll help ya, ya don't gotta be embarrassed. Lotsa people are scared of heights -

"I'm not afraid of heights." she snapped irritably, "….I just… have a healthy respect for them."

"There's nothin' to be afraid of. I promise I won't let ya fall."

"I said I'm not afraid!"

"Well then there ain't nothin' keepin' you from climbin', is there?" Sully retorted smugly.

Michaela narrowed her eyes at him; clearly unhappy with the corner she had backed herself into. She could climb a tree, couldn't she? She shielded her eyes from the sun and looked towards the top of the tall oak…. Was it her imagination or did it seem about ten feet taller than it had five minutes ago? Michaela watched as the tree continued to grow before her eyes; her heart thudded quickly in her chest, and her palms grew sweaty from the mere thought of accepting his challenge. _It was so high_…

Michaela quickly reviewed her options; she could swallow the ball in her throat, push her fear…no, her **concerns,** to the back of her mind, and climb the tree, or she could stand at the bottom and watch as Sully laughed at her. Pride won out, and her resolve was further strengthened when she looked at the smirk still clearly evident on Sully's face; he thought he was _so_ clever.

Michaela blew her bangs out of her eyes, and Sully watched as all traces of anxiety were quickly replaced by the look of pure determination he recognized in her so well. She circled the trunk with her hands on her hips, and looked sharply up at him, "I don't want any help." she stated pre-emptively.

Sully raised his hands in surrender, "I wasn't offerin' any!"

Michaela spent some time glaring at the tree trunk, as if this entire situation was somehow its fault; he could all but see the wheels turning in her head as she frowned in concentration. Michaela shot the tree trunk one final wary glance before awkwardly jumping for the lowest branch, where she managed to dangle for the briefest of moments before dropping back to her feet. She gave a frustrated sigh, dusted her hands off, and then glared at Sully, daring him to comment. Sully wisely stayed silent. Michaela's second attempt brought her closer, but her foot slipped on the bark before she had adequate time to pull herself up.

"You might do better if ya take off your shoes… they don't got much grip." Sully offered tentatively, relieved when Michaela eyed him with curiosity instead of giving him the death-stare he had been half expecting.

Looking up at him from the ground, Michaela felt the discomfort in her stomach beginning anew as her temporary courage began to ebb, "I'll rip my stockings." she stalled.

Sully drew his eyebrows together, "Since when do things like that matter to ya?"

Michaela paused, he raised a good point. She sighed, removed her shoes, and placed them neatly at the edge of the blanket before attacking the tree once more.

Michaela made it further than she had throughout any of her previous attempts; apparently the lack of shoes really did make a difference. She grinned triumphantly as she managed to uphold a firm grip and scooted up the trunk far enough to swing herself onto the branch. Just as she was pulling herself up, her left arm slipped, and for one terrifying instant, panic set in as she lost sight of the fact that she was still relatively close to the ground. No sooner had she gasped in fear than Sully grasped her arm, and effortlessly pulled her weight to settle beside him. He didn't relinquish his hold right away, but stared at her pale face in concern.

"It's okay. I got you."

He gave her a moment to recover, and off her assuring nod he began to climb once more. They slowly made their way upwards together; Sully subtly offering his help when she needed it, and Michaela steadily gaining confidence with each successful step. Sully stopped half way up the Oak upon finding a solid branch he was certain would support both their weights. He scooted down, leaving Michaela with the safest spot, braced on one side by the strong tree trunk.

Michaela looked quite pleased with herself and her eyes shone until she made the mistake of gazing straight down towards the miniscule dot which was their picnic. She squeezed her eyes 

shut and gripped the branch underneath her tightly with both hands, trying to quell her shaking, "That was… an experience."

Sully chuckled, "Stop lookin' down."

She swallowed and nervously raised her head to meet his eyes, "I don't understand what you see in this."

Sully smiled and gently touched her jaw, guiding it forward, "I see magic." he whispered.

He watched as her lips parted with her audible quick intake of breath, and couldn't help but grin. Here, amongst the birds and the virgin air, they were one soul living through one beating heart, and thriving off of the purity of a world containing only themselves. Trouble could not find them here.

Michaela's eyes darted quickly from one point to another; never allowing her gaze to rest on any one beauty longer than a moment, as if in fear someone would throw black paint across the fantastical canvas before she had time to drink it all in. The glittering tree tops… now the golden horizon in the distance… now the graceful hawks soaring in synchronization through unchartered vibrant blue. Wisps of cotton drifting free…_Oh give me wings._

"I see." she breathed. She tore her eyes away and turned gratefully to Sully, "It's…" she bit her lip, searching for the exact word.

Sully shook his head and softly placed a finger against her lips, "Don't." off her curiously raised eyebrow he continued, "There ain't no words for this. Tryin' to find 'em only takes away from what's here. Ya just gotta trust that I already understand; that I see what you see. Let go."

"How is it so easy for you?" Michaela asked. _How do you make everything seem so simple? How are you not ever afraid?_

Sully shrugged, "You just think too much."

"It's a long way to fall Sully, I would hardly think it possible to think too much in this situation."

"Just do what comes natural."

"I could get hurt." she whispered. Under the scrutiny of his gaze however, she blushed and dropped her head, "We could- people! **People** could get hurt… falling…out of trees falling I mean…" she stuttered to a stop and Sully began to laugh. Michaela broke into nervous laughter alongside him and sighed. If only it could always be this perfect.

Despite herself, Michaela found her thoughts drifting towards Catherine. She pictured Catherine making the trek up the giant oak as effortlessly as Sully had… they could have raced, laughing and teasing one another in a language only they understood as they flew towards the top…._Sully loves you_. A small voice coming from her heart tried to reassure her, _Catherine isn't here. Sully __brought you… he showed you. He shared this with you._

Regardless of the beauty of the land before him, Sully could not tear his eyes away from the bitter sweet smile he saw on her lips. He couldn't begin to imagine what had caused the transition from the elated joy written across her perfect face, to the somewhat saddened expression resting there now. He knew her… or at least he used to know her. Lately he couldn't be sure.

"Sometimes…" he started slowly, carefully choosing his words. "Sometimes people act a certain way when somethin's botherin' them, and they're tryin' not to let it show instead of just talkin' about it. But then everything sort of just gets bigger 'til nobody knows what to do anymore…"

He watched Michaela tense as she looked at him, but she didn't look away. Her eyes held his, and although he couldn't quite read her expression, at least she had left the door partially open. Taking a deep breath he continued, "Ya can't try and fix somethin' if ya don't know what's broke."

A tear dropped off her lashes as Sully covered her hand on the branch with his, "Let me try and fix it… tell me what's broken."

_Run!_ Her mind screamed at her, _keep yourself safe._ But Michaela didn't want to run, she wanted to trust him. She wanted more than anything to let him in, to take comfort in the fact that he saw in her what no one else could. She could trust Sully, she loved him. He was right, everything was blown out of proportion when fears were irrationally stored in one's head. Ignoring the voice in her head Michaela swallowed the lump in her throat and turned to Sully. She would make herself vulnerable to him. She would risk everything.

Michaela opened her mouth to speak, but stopped when she realized Sully was no longer staring at her, but squinting off into the distance. She frowned in confusion and followed his gaze to the cloud of dirt at the edge of the clearing, signaling an approaching wagon.

"Dr. Mike!"

"Horace?" Michaela called back in surprise.

Horace twisted his head this way and that, trying to locate the face that went with the voice. He finally made out the two forms in the tree and stopped the wagon a few feet from the blanket. "Whatcha doin' up there?" He asked curiously; all previous traces of urgency gone.

"Well, we were… Sully was just -

"Somethin' wrong Horace?" Sully cut in gruffly, none to happy with the telegraph operators impeccable sense of timing.

"Oh!" the man recollected his thoughts, "Gosh I'm sorry, I just saw you two up there and forgot -

"Horace." Sully snapped.

"Right. They need you in town Dr. Mike; Kyle pushed Steven into the creek, his ankle looks like it's broke."

"Oh dear." Michaela rubbed the last bit of red and trace of tears out of her eyes. "I'm coming!" She called hoarsely.

Without another glance towards Sully, Michaela made her way back to the ground. Sully watched in only mild surprise as fuelled by the medical situation, Michaela scurried down the trunk with a speed and agility that had definitely not been present on her way up.

"Can you make sure the children get home safely?" Michaela called up from the bottom as she hurriedly pulled on her shoes and picked up her medical bag.

"Of course."

"Tell them I'll be back before they go to bed." She shouted as she climbed into the wagon. Michaela nodded to Horace, signaling that she was ready to go. "Goodbye Sully! Thank you!"

Sully watched the wagon disappear. Michaela hadn't looked back once, already mentally running through lists of possible complications and available materials at the clinic. She threw all of herself into everything… except when it came to him.

"Just do what comes natural." He repeated wistfully.

* * *

Sully remained in the tree long after Michaela disappeared from sight. He couldn't bring himself to climb down and go searching for Colleen and Brian; they would be safe with Catherine. Quite frankly he wasn't sure he had the energy to keep up with Brian at the moment.

One of the many things he loved about Michaela was her willingness to share her real self with him. Even before they were a couple, Sully had taken a secret pride in the knowledge that she shared bits and pieces of herself with him which others would never see. Of all the people she knew in town, she had chosen him to take into her confidence, and in the beginning he had felt honoured spending so much time with a woman so special. Now however…it was funny the way what you loved most about a person, the very thing which first attracted you to them, could devolve into the quality which drove you mad. The bits and pieces of her true self weren't enough anymore; he wanted everything. He felt like he was losing her.

It had taken him awhile to notice what was happening; at first he could still look into her eyes and see _her_, feel her fear, her uncertainty and passion, then she had started breaking their connection; avoiding his gaze. How was he supposed to know what was going on if she wouldn't even look directly at him? It was hard losing his window into her soul, but sharing time with her as he had done today, seeing her vulnerable and honest, trying new things just because she trusted him and he asked her to; it made the thought of going backwards unbearable. Why was it so hard for her to just be?

"Hey Sully!"

Sully startled slightly at the sound of Brian's voice, more than mildly surprised he hadn't heard the boy coming from miles off. "Hey Brian." He answered as he began making his way back down.

"Wow, you were really high." Brian commented enthusiastically, "Can we –

"No." Sully answered sharply before Brian could finish. He doubted there would ever come a time when he could think about Brian in trees without panic seizing him. "I don't think that's a good idea." He softened his tone, trying to relax Brian's taken aback expression. "Tree climbin's dangerous Brian, how'd ya think Dr. Mike would feel knowin' I let ya up there?"

"Oh come on Sully, I was a little kid! That was ages ago!"

"No climbin'." Sully repeated seriously in a tone which did not bode argument. "Now where are Catherine an' your sister?"

"They're comin'. I think they might be pickin' some flowers. I dunno, I ran ahead. Where's Ma?"

"Your friend Steven broke his ankle. Horace rode out to get 'er."

"Is he gonna get crutches an' everythin'?"

"Don't know."

"Does he get to miss school?"

"Can't say I know that either. Why don't ya ask Dr. Mike when she get's back?"

"I guess."

Sully smiled and tousled Brian's hair affectionately. "Help me load up the wagon. We'll get goin' as soon as the girls show up."

* * *

They arrived back at the homestead with the sun low in the evening sky. Mathew was home, and so the process of getting the two children settled in bed was relatively quick and painless. Sully carefully removed the kettle from the stove and poured the water over the tea leaves. "Ya want any Mathew?"

"No thanks, I'm good." Mathew replied without looking up from his book.

"I want some!" Brian yelled from his bed on the other side of the curtain.

"Brian, for the last time close your mouth and go to bed, I ain't tellin' ya again!" Mathew hollered back.

Sully chuckled, "I'm gonna take some of this out to Catherine. I'll be outside if ya need anythin'."

"Night Sully." Mathew murmured.

Sully opened the front door and sat down beside Catherine on the steps. He silently handed her the mug, and she wordlessly accepted. This was something he missed doing with Dr. Mike. The hours sitting on the steps discussing their days; not talking at all on nights he had nothing to say. Dr. Mike could talk forever, and he loved her for that, but he also loved her for her willingness to sometimes just say nothing.

"Is beautiful night. Beautiful day, beautiful night."

"Yeah." Sully agreed.

Catherine turned her head to look at him, tears already dropping to her cheeks, "I miss my tribe."

Sully's heart went out to her, for months after he lost Abagail and Hannah, every sunny day or perfect full mooned night had tore his heart in two. "It'll get easier Catherine."

"I do not wish for easy." Catherine sobbed, "I wish to go back, I wish for before the soldiers."

Knowing he had no words which would ease her suffering, Sully rubbed her back and let her cry. After a few minutes passed and her tears began to subside, he picked up her mug and held it out for her, "Drink some of this."

Catherine accepted the mug and took a grateful sip. "You have been so kind to me." She smiled.

"No more than anybody else." Sully replied.

Catherine shook her head firmly, "You have special kindness. Everyone tries very hard, but you… only you understand all." Seeing her struggle, Sully waited patiently for her to find the right words. "The men in town, they are terrible people. I cannot stay here."

Sully sighed, "'Fraid they ain't too good at welcomin' anybody who's different. Don't pay 'em no mind."

"They are terrible to you, and you have been here many years."

"Never much cared what people thought or said about me." He shrugged indifferently.

Catherine set the mug down on the porch and removed a string of beads from around her neck. "You and me… we are same." She said softly as she slipped the beads over Sully's head.

"We are." He hesitated slightly, then removed a necklace of his own and set them around Catherine the same way.

It was a powerful feeling, meeting the one person in the world exactly like you. Speaking, and knowing she understood every feeling behind what he was saying. She had lived a hard life, and no one else, no matter how good their intentions, could know what it felt like to feel obligated to two separate peoples who hated one another. Catherine's voice pulled him back from his thoughts.

"I can learn again. I will learn, because you have."

Sully saw the open admiration in her eyes, and had a feeling she could probably see the same reflected in his. Catherine would be okay; she was strong. She was strong and beautiful, with eyes so much like his own and a lovely mouth…

Catherine closed the distance between them and placed her lips against his. Her lips were on his and his on hers, and they were two people of one kind now one together; except it was wrong, because the fog had lifted and the moment was gone and he belonged to Michaela, and her face had turned to Catherine's and there was none of the warmth, only a sickening guilt rising up in his throat…

He winced and pulled away. This was a fine mess he had gotten himself into. Sully had no further time to dwell upon the situation, because there was a crinkling of leaves which didn't match the wind. He leapt up from the steps, his hand hovering over his tomahawk. Squinting his eyes, Sully tried to make out the frozen silhouette against the trees. _Michaela._ Her gaze met his, and without a word she turned and fled into the darkness.

* * *

_It was hours before Michaela made her way back to the homestead. Dusk was setting in and streaks of burnt amber and orange filled the sky. Despite the approaching darkness, Michaela had chosen to take the scenic walk instead of accepting the ride Steven's father had offered. The hint of the moon in the sky called to her, and she was grateful for the private time to analyze her thoughts and deal with them accordingly._

_The Colorado nights made the mere thought of Boston and all its noise enough to make her head spin. All it took was a look at the children playing animatedly amongst themselves, or a glance out the window at the beauty she was fortunate enough to wake up to every day__,__ to remind her why it was all worth it. Then there was Sully. It would have been so easy for her to fall back into her old way of life when she visited Boston; Sully had reminded her of everything which was good about her new life. He __had __reminded her that while it was often difficult, it was hers. She had created it entirely on her own, and it was worth it. _

_Sully was a big part of her new life, he had reminded her of that as well. He had confessed his love for her, voicing feelings she had been harboring for almost a year._

_Michaela felt a shiver run through her and her face flushed. Her surprise party. Her awakening __to how deep her feelings for Sully really ran. She had never felt anything like that kiss. Her limited experience in kissing had taught her it was tolerable at best. She would push down the slightly queasy feeling in her stomach and wait for it to be over. She had begun to believe that the passion she had heard about from her sisters, that stirring of the senses, was something some women just didn't have. After all she had loved David had she not? She would have married him if he hadn't died. A quick peck had been comforting, even welcome, but anything more__,__ she had tolerated because it was expected, and it had seemed to make David so happy. She had learned to quell the unease for his sake._

_On her birthday Sully had kissed her, and it had truly been the best gift anyone had ever given her. So much so that she had told him, to her complete surprise. She had felt warm, happy, and completely safe. The kiss itself had lasted two seconds at the most, but the tingle of excitement it had sparked had lasted the entire night. Then it __all__ slowly changed__; and things__ had been steadily getting worse since they came back from Boston. _

_She had first felt __the difference__ while he helped her unpack __upon finally arriving__ back in Colorado Springs. They __had __stood in the room, and he __had __stared at her, and she __had __felt all of her senses take flight in different directions. She was warm and cold at the same time, her skin itched against the fabric of her clothes, the room was too small._

_What she felt couldn't be normal. She almost wished she could go back to feeling nothing… almost. Surely people didn't actually welcome the loss of control; when your body stopped being your own and began acting on its own accord without your will or permission. When it begged for something you couldn't even understand. One moment she was teaching Sully to dance, the next his mouth was on hers and her body exploded, and she had to break away__,__ because what he__r__ body wanted more than anything was not to._

_The sky was now dark blue, and the moon shone proud and full. Smoke rose from a chimney she couldn't quite see yet, then the homestead came into view. The fireplace gave the whole house a warm glow, and she could see Mathew reading at the table through their makeshift window. Her eyes were drawn by movement in the shadows of the porch, and then the world fell to pieces around her._

* * *

It was too dark to see where she was running, but Michaela didn't stop; couldn't stop. It seemed worth the risk of injury to ensure as much distance between her and Sully as possible. She could hear him growing closer, shouting her name as if hearing it would make her stop. She would never stop, she would keep running and never look at his face again. He was right behind her now, soon he'd be on top of her…

Sully finally closed the gap between them and grabbed her arm. Once he started slowing down she had no choice but to do the same.

"Let go! Don't you dare touch me!"

There wasn't a hint of anger in her tone to match her words, although Sully could tell she was trying hard to find it. All he could hear was heartbreak.

"Michaela it ain't –

"I swear to God Sully, if you finish that sentence with, "…what it looks like," I will lose my mind." _There. She had found anger. She would be okay. She would survive this._

"It was an accident."

"Yes, I can see how that might accidentally happen."

_He was touching Catherine the same way he touched her, and she was no longer special because it was something which could be done with anyone… there was no magic and she had realized far too late._ "I don't understand." The words came out strangled, forced coarsely through a constricted throat as if she were…_ crying. I'm crying. Stop. Not in front of him, oh please if you've ever pulled yourself together Michaela Anne Quinn do it now._

Sully reached desperately for her arm but she shook him off as if she had been scalded. "I told you not to touch me."

Her teeth chattered against the cold and she tried to draw her shawl tighter over her shivering frame, only her shawl wasn't there. She must have dropped it…

"Michaela, I need ya to look at me."

"I trusted you." Michaela said softly. "I thought you… I thought we…" her voice wouldn't cooperate. She was opening her mouth and no words were coming. She needed out, she had to get away from him before she fell completely apart. "I need to find my shawl."

"What?"

"Just get out of my way Sully." She spat.

Michaela pushed past him and backtracked quickly in the direction of the homestead. Sully let her go. It had been a misunderstanding. He would give her tonight to calm down; Michaela was a rational person, tomorrow she would wake up, reflect upon the circumstances, and conclude, confident in his love for her, that the whole episode had been a mistake; laughable almost.

_You have to focus. Concentrate on one thing and you will be fine._ But Catherine was sitting on _her _porch, and Sully was kissing Catherine with the same gentleness he kissed her, and… _Your shawl. You love that shawl. You are angry, nothing more. If it wasn't for Sully you would be warm in front of the fire right now. Backtrack, find your shawl and you will be fine._

Michaela found the shawl a few yards ahead, covered in dirt. She picked it up, brushed it off as best she could and draped it around her frozen arms. _Okay, good._ A tiny sob rose from the pit of her stomach into her throat. _No, no, none of that. You're going to go home. After that you will __give your children a kiss, then you will make yourself some tea. One small activity, one tiny step at a time. You __**will**__ be fine… _the well intentioned, soothing voice inside her faded away as she burst into tears. She tried to swallow and catch her breath, but the lump in her throat was too big. She coughed once, then again and again. She collapsed against a nearby tree and pushed her head between her knees. _Breathe. In and out. It's okay, you'll remember how._ But how was that possible? How could she be expected to remember to do things like swallow and breathe when it all required such exhausting effort? Michaela forgot about the cold and cried, although the tears did nothing to lessen the pain. She cried because she had never before felt her whole body hurt so badly on the inside, she was burning and no ointment could reach the wounds. She cried for everything she knew she would have to give up with Sully; she cried because she hadn't been good enough.

When she could cry no more, Michaela tilted her head back to rest against the solid tree trunk, allowing the cold air to ease the sting in her flushed face. _Get up. I know it hurts, but you can't stay here._ Obediently, Michaela stood herself up on shaky legs and made the short journey back to the homestead.

_

* * *

_

_Author's Note: Please don't kill me... I swear I'll fix it, lol_


	5. Chapter 5

Italicized and emboldened text have been borrowed from the novel, "The Dream where the Losers Go," and a critical essay on Kate Chopin's, "The Awakening."... The essay is actually the only thing worth reading. I kind of hate that book... a lot. Anyways.

Her Story

Chapter 5

Brilliant beams of unfiltered light streamed unchecked through the makeshift window, kissing Michaela's fair cheek ever so softly and beckoning her rise from slumber. When the sun alone could not accomplish its divinely appointed task, a lilting morning breeze stepped forward, drifted through the cracks to caress her face. Tantalizingly, patiently, the air flowed over her delicate features and into her nostrils, carrying with it an earthy scent so fresh and sweet, the pads of her feet twitched beneath her blankets… easily convinced in her sleepy state that they were bare and braving the dew heavy grass of dawn. The comforting warmth gradually slipped away as she drifted closer to consciousness, realizing that something was out of sorts; why were all the curtains open? One of the children must have...

No. The beginnings of memory began to stir, clearing the fog and then racing through her sleep deprived mind; all too soon she remembered everything. Her aching throat and itchy eyes were no longer a mystery; she was not sick, she was merely heartbroken. Last night she had stumbled into her home and barred the door, then she had somehow found the strength required to change out of her clothes before falling into bed. She hadn't stoked the fire, she hadn't straightened the kitchen, she hadn't drawn the curtains; now she was cold, and up with the sun.

The back of her eyes burned with coming tears, and she blinked furiously to clear them. She told herself to be brave, she told herself to move on; but the truth was lying in bed with nothing to distract her left little to think about besides the man who had so betrayed her confidence. With the exception of perhaps her father, she had never in her life trusted someone as much as she had trusted Sully; there was no doubt in her mind that she never would again. If she had been wrong about Sully she could be wrong about anyone, and it wasn't worth the risk. The threatening tears finally slipped away, and she could allow herself to relax_; I am in control. I __**will**__ be brave, I __**will **__learn from this experience; I __**will **__move on._

Michaela opened her lashes, determined to tackle the day head on in hopes that keeping busy would prevent her from falling apart. However she was thrust onto the field before she had time to adequately prepare herself for battle.

Catherine sat in a chair beside her bed, staring alertly at her through bright blue eyes. _Pretend._"Good morning Catherine." She yawned.

"Good morning Dr. Mike."

Catherine picked up the mug she had set on the nightstand and offered it to Michaela. "I heard when you come home last night. You are not well. Drink."

"That's really very kind of you Catherine," Michaela whispered sleepily, "But I'm not sick. Only tired."

"I want to help."

"You don't need to." Michaela's voice was light, but even Catherine could not remain unaware of the growing tension between them. She took a sip from her own cup, and then held the mug out to Michaela once again. Michaela sighed, but this time she sat up and accepted the gesture. It was Sully who had hurt her, not Catherine. Michaela valued her privacy, she often experienced difficulties discussing personal matters with even her closest friends. If Sully had never informed Catherine of their relationship, then there was no way the woman before her could have known. _Catherine is as much a victim as I am._

After a lengthy awkward silence, Catherine finally spoke, "You and Sully are together." It was a question, but the matter of fact manner in which she delivered the inquiry indicated that Catherine already knew her answer.

"No." Michaela shook her head fervently. _We are no longer together. Perhaps we never were to begin with._

Catherine's eyebrows raised in surprise, "But, when we were outside last night –

"Catherine," Michaela interrupted, "Has Sully ever mentioned anything to you which would indicate that the two of us are a couple?"

The woman paused, "No." She answered carefully.

"Then there lies your answer. We are most definitely not together." Michaela felt a painful tug at her heart, because knowing it was true and hearing the words to prove it so coming out of her own mouth, were two different things. _There are pieces of my heart scattered everywhere, and I will never find all the fragments. _

Catherine nodded, satisfied, "He is kind man."

"That he is." Before the conversation could continue on into further uncomfortable territory, Michaela pushed back the quilt and gracefully climbed out of her bed, "I should wake Brian and Colleen; I'm not even sure if Brian finished his homework last night."

"He did." Catherine interjected, "With Sully once we came back home."

Michaela sighed, she was beginning to realize how difficult it was actually going to be to avoid thinking about a man who had become so intertwined in every aspect of her life. She was paying a heavy price for her blind faith.

_I __told you as much__._ A voice in her mind taunted, _I warned you of what would happen if you let him in. You were aware of every danger. I whispered to you every time he kissed you, touched you. I have never failed you. I put you through medical school, I gave you the determination to brave your move out here, and you turned a blind eye. You opened your heart against my better judgment, and now you are reaping it. You will survive this punishment, and you will never, __**ever**__, for the rest of your days accept the advice of your weak heart over me._

* * *

After Breakfast, Colleen and Catherine cleared the dishes while Michaela aided Brian in what had become their daily search for his writing tablet.

"Ya wouldn't be lookin' for it all the time if ya would just keep it in one place." Colleen stated prissily as she scraped the plates clean.

"Why don't ya just do the dishes like Ma told ya?"

"That's enough." Michaela interrupted automatically before impulsively peeking under the stove, "Brian, how in the world…?"

Brian looked at the slate, rescued from its hiding spot, now dangling from his Mother's fingers as she waited expectantly for an answer. "I dunno." He shrugged.

"He probably did it on purpose hopin' you wouldn't send him t' school, Dr. Mike."

"Did not!"

"I said enough! Colleen, stop antagonizing your brother."

"Yeah, stop antagonizin' me." Brian sing songed.

"ya don't even know what that means." Colleen snapped.

"It means you're a pest." Brian stuck his tongue at her, but soon regretted it as Colleen reached down and tugged firmly on the exposed muscle.

"Ow!" Brian yelped, in surprise more than actual pain, "Ma!"

"Brian Cooper, you will take this bag and wait in the wagon. I won't have you making everyone late."

"But Ma –

"I don't want to hear another word about it, go!"

Brian heaved a dejected sigh, but dutifully retrieved the bag from Michaela's outstretched hands. "It ain't fair." He muttered under his breath as he opened the door and let himself out.

Michaela shook her head and turned around to hide the shadow of a smile on her face. Disorder. The glorious commotion only her children could so unwittingly provide. She was suddenly confident in the knowledge that she could, and would, continue her life quite prosperously without Sully being a part of it.

"I will keep him company." Catherine volunteered.

"I would appreciate that Catherine, thank you." Michaela stated with genuine gratitude and relief. The day was off to a chaotic start; perfect. If the day continued at this pace she could function blissfully without thought, and fall into a deep, dreamless sleep at the end of it all.

"Colleen, are you almost ready?" Michaela inquired as she picked up her medical bag.

"Almost… are ya sure ya don't want me to wash the pan out before we leave?"

"Don't worry about it Colleen, we're behind schedule as it is."

"We wouldn't be if it weren't for Brian losin' his bag again."

"Colleen, you only need to be concerned with ensuring **you** are ready. I don't want to hear another quarrelsome word from either one of you."

Immediately contrite, Colleen lowered her head. "Yes ma'am."

Knowing the words came out slightly harsher than was intended, Michaela placed a gentle finger under Colleen's chin and tilted her head upwards, "Thank you for all your help." She smiled, her voice instantly softer.

Colleen smiled back, then hurried to locate her own book bag. She always felt badly when her and Brian pushed Dr. Mike far enough to act short with them, but the good thing was she never stayed angry for longer than a moment. "Okay, I'm ready!"

"Good girl." Michaela kissed her forehead, "I suggest we make our exit before your brother loses something else."

There was the sound of Colleen's feminine giggle followed by the thump of the door falling into place, and then the little house was silent.

* * *

_There is a place within her which lies empty… a place that will perhaps never be whole again. A place that was perhaps never quite whole to begin with. The human body is remarkable; it repairs itself, it adapts, it endures; survives. However, like a precious vase that has too many times been dropped, the flaws grow. Despite the meticulous precision used to piece it back together, some pieces are never found. Over time__ the minor flaws begin to chip away at what was once a magnificent work of art… slowly stealing away the __original __beauty and leaving a pitiful shell of the former body in its wake. __Splinters __from__ the heart, whether offered willingl__y__ or __stolen away unawares, can never be fully recovered. _

_The __pieces__ are swept up, and then slowly, painfully, and with devastating care, reglued._

_All one can hope is that enough fragments are recovered to more or less construe the original __whole; all one can hope is that in the end, it will still be worth rebuilding this one last time._

The gentle jostle of the wagon over the dirt path lulled Michaela into a state of deep thought, her mind stuck on Boston and the happiness that had come from that voyage. She had carried so much hope, experienced such freedom in her breathless run into his waiting arms; revelled in the pure joy brought about by an action entirely outside of her character. In that moment she had felt capable of anything.

She shook her head, clearing her thoughts and returning her attention to the road before her. The horses had come to a stop outside the schoolhouse entirely without her direction, and Michaela took a moment to reorient herself with her surroundings. The last place she was conscious of passing had been the woods just outside the homestead… where -

"Bye Ma! Bye Catherine!" Brian called as he leapt from the wagon and disappeared into the crowd of children.

"Thanks for the ride Dr. Mike… see ya after school Catherine!" Colleen climbed down from the wagon at a much more subdued pace and joined her own group of friends.

"They are good children." Catherine stated as they continued the short distance to the clinic.

Michaela nodded in agreement, "I love them very much. As I'm sure you've noticed, it doesn't take long to grow attached to them."

I am very fond of them." Catherine admitted. "Brian has much spirit, and much love. Colleen cares for people as you do."

Michaela laughed as she jumped down from the wagon, "I only wish I could claim responsibility for their positive attributes. I've only had them for about a year and a half… although I couldn't even begin to imagine my life without them. Their mother molded them into the find young persons they are."

Before Catherine could respond, Horace came bounding out from the telegraph office towards them.

"Dr. Mike, I got a telegram here for Miss Dorothy; the editor in Baltimore got her article and recognized Catherine's story. They've been lookin' for her for years!"

Michaela eagerly took the telegram from Horace's hands and read the message aloud, "'We hope that Catherine will come home to us immediately, we'll pay coach fare.'"

All thoughts involving her own problems flew from Michaela's mind as she looked up from the telegram and met Catherine's eyes with genuine happiness. The woman had been through so much… despite recent events, Michaela couldn't help but feel glad a happy ending was in sight for her. No one deserved the horrible things she had been through. "This is wonderful news!"

Catherine however, was far more reserved, "It's not my home."

Misunderstanding, Michaela continued on happily, "But it will be. There are people who want you, who love you."

"But I don't know them."

"But you will, you can get to know them again just like you got to know us…"

Her voice trailed off as she realized Catherine was less than enthusiastic about the news. "Is something wrong Catherine?"

Horace tactfully wandered back to his post while Michaela guided Catherine to the bench outside the clinic.

"I want to stay here."

"Here?" Michaela couldn't keep the surprise out of her voice, "But why? Lovely as our town is, I'm ashamed to say they haven't been very lovely to you."

"Sully is."

Michaela cringed inwardly. _Is this how it's going to feel every time I hear his name?_ How much time had to pass before she could just feel numb again? "Yes, he looked after me when I first came to town."

Her mind drifted to the special moments which had passed between them over the course of the last two years, but she could find no trace of happiness in the memories. Every thought served only to twist the knife in her stomach; it would appear her good memories were destined to fall into oblivion alongside her belief in happy endings.

"He give this to me."

Catherine rescued Michaela from her painful revelation only to thrust her into a new one. "He did?"

As if drawn by a magnetic field, her hand reached out to touch the necklace, but she withdrew before she made contact. _Do not touch. _It had been part of an exchange she had no business in. Yesterday she had thought it impossible to ever hurt worse than she had at that moment, alone under the tree in the forest. She had underestimated the extent of pain her heart could endure without killing her.

"He say we are the same."

"He said that?"

"I stay with him." Catherine stated definitively. With that she entered the clinic, and left Michaela to her devastating thoughts.

* * *

That night following supper, Michaela sought refuge in the barn as soon as she could manage escape. Her day had gone from bad to worse. She had arrived home from the clinic anticipating a few hours of precious peace; watching Mathew, Colleen and Brian play quietly, or not so quietly, together would dull the ache and remind her of what should be most important. Unfortunately Sully had been waiting for her. She had opened the door to her home to find him sitting at her table, Brian on one side, Catherine pressed closely on his other.

_She loves him._

The thought had struck her suddenly, and she had once again learned that the depth of pain her heart could withstand was deeper than imagined. However, she had triumphed. She had put a smile on and laughed and joked and conversed civilly throughout dinner; she was an excellent pretender. After dinner a game of checkers had begun between Brian and Sully, and their commentaries had been enough to entertain everyone else, enabling her to slip unseen to the silence of the barn.

She was in the middle of giving Flash an affectionate pat on the neck when the barn door swung open, disturbing her solitude.

"Hey."

She despised him for his nonchalant attitude, and resented him for the way he managed to remain so unaffected by the events of the past few weeks. To look at Sully, one would have no indication at all that things were anything but right in the world.Suddenly angry, Michaela allowed the rage to flow through her, gaining strength from its bitter power.

"Hello Sully."

There was no longer any solace to be found here. She ran her fingers once more through Flash's mane, then walked out of the barn. Sully fell into step beside her and she let the rage take control.

"So, now Catherine's staying with you."

"I don't know anything about that."

There was genuine surprise in his tone, but she couldn't trust that, she wouldn't. He hadn't told her about the necklace, about the meaningful conversation he and Catherine had shared. He lied by omission. "I don't suppose you gave her your necklace either."

"She gave me one," his tone was defensive, "Cheyenne believe that you return a gift with a gift."

"Well if it's alright with the Cheyenne who am I to argue?" The facetious pitch was unmistakable, and Michaela felt triumphant. Even Sully couldn't read her hurt; it was buried at a level he couldn't reach. She should surrender the reins to the darkness within her more often.

"She's just being grateful, that's all."

"And kissing her, is that gratitude as well?" She snapped.

"Never meant for that to happen."

At that point, something in Michaela exploded. He wasn't even fighting her. She was upset, and he was speaking in rational, guarded tones. His calm was infuriating, and she deserved more of an explanation than that; she wanted a reaction. "That woman is in love with you, she didn't even know about us! Why didn't you tell her?"

"Why didn't you?!"

Michaela was speechless, in complete disbelief of his audacity. _He_ was the one who had kissed Catherine, _He_ was the one who had been unfaithful, for him to try and blame her was unthinkable.

"Now you're turning it around! I'm the one –

"You, are the one who never has time to spend with me, who's always too nervous to be alone with me, to kiss me!"

_Oh God_. Michaela shuttered and felt the painful sensation of tears burning the back of her eyes, he didn't understand, he didn't understand anything. She had been so wrong about him, he wasn't different from the other men she had known, he was just the same… she had thought… had honestly believed… she was so stupid. She blinked quickly and embraced the anger she was feeling towards him… anger was safe. If she could just stay angry…

"If you want to be with another woman then admit it!"

"I never said that!"

_Fine._ "But you find her attractive."

Sully stopped short, and his intonation settled to just above a whisper, "Any man would."

Michaela raised her head with that small victory. "Are you in love with her?"

"Of course not!"

"But you care for her." She pushed.

"Yes," he admitted cautiously, "I care for –

"And you have feelings for her." Michaela pounced. _Are you angry yet Sully?_

"Stop putting words in my mouth!" he yelled.

"No you stop!" She shouted back angrily, "Stop yelling at me! I'm not the one who did anything wrong, my God Sully, you kissed her! You kissed her! It doesn't matter how you try and phrase it, and it doesn't matter that you're fixated on blaming every problem in our relationship on me, the fact is you kissed her! You, are the one in the wrong! Why can't you just admit that one thing?"

Sully threw his arms up in the air in frustration, "It didn't _mean_ anythin'! How can ya not see that?"

Michaela swiped at the tears threatening to fall over the brink of her lashes, she would not cry for him. "How can you not see how large an issue this is?" her voice cracked, "You told me you loved me."

"I do love ya." His tone softened slightly, "but ya keep blowin' it outta proportion, ya keep assumin' things that don't even make sense…"

_**I have dragged you out into the night in the vain hope of a moments escape from the horrible solitude which overpowers me, and still each of us is alone; side by side but alone.**_

Michaela swallowed against the lump in her throat, welcoming the pain it caused her, she would not cry for him. "I am doing nothing of the kind. The only thing I have been assuming all this time is that we meant something to each other, that I meant something to you, that I was the only…." her voice trailed off and her gaze hardened, "Tell me Sully, how many others have there been before me?"

"What?" he was thrown off by what appeared, to him, to be a random question. "Why are you asking me that now?"

"I want to know…" she swallowed again, "have you been with another woman since Abagail died? The truth."

Sully's eyes flashed, and Michaela could feel the angry energy radiating from him as he silently channeled it inwards. Success. _Do you still feel in control Sully? Come on. Show me how angry you are._

"No you don't."

He turned to walk away, and she warred against her desperation to call him back. _Don't you dare do it, you turn around and fight me! Fight me!_

And with one last, disgusted look in her direction, he was gone.

_**Think of the dark, where you can't see what happened to you, and so you can forget it… you won't remember what they did to you…no one knows you, you can be alone…The darkness is the place to be nothing, where nothing has ever happened to you and nothing ever will.**_

* * *

The following morning, Michaela was again awake before the sun. She lay under the comforter but a moment before her thoughts began to overwhelm her, and she jumped out of bed in search of anything and everything to fill the time. She fought against her desire to escape to the clinic; the children were going to feel neglected if they continued to wake up only to find her already gone. It wasn't a practice she was willing to fall into, no matter how much better it would make her personally feel.

She looked around the homestead, instantly aggravated with her own efficiency as she noted its spotless appearance. Fine. There were other things she could find to do. As soon as the sun came out, she would deal with the laundry. _One step at a time._ She would recover. She wandered to the table, lit the lamp, and turned up the wick. A list. She would need a list. An eventless Saturday could very well kill her. She located a pencil and a pad of paper, then set to work.

_1) Breakfast for Colleen, Brian and Catherine; something simple you will not burn_

_2) Laundry_

_3) Clean stalls_

_4) Groom horses_

_5) Feed chickens_

_..._

"Whatcha doin' Ma?"

Michaela startled, Colleen stood in front of the curtain sleepily rubbing her eyes, "Nothing. Just, organizing myself for the day." She relaxed and placed the pencil neatly atop the notepad before pushing it away, "I thought you liked sleeping in on Saturday?"

Colleen shrugged, "Couldn't sleep." She moved around the table and sat close to her mother, "I saw ya turn your light on and figured we could maybe keep each other company 'stead of just lyin' there."

Michaela smiled and stroked her daughters' hair, "I'd like that very much."

Colleen smiled contently and rested her head on Michaela's shoulder, then the notepad caught her attention, "What were ya writin'?"

Michaela made a grab for the paper, but it was already in Colleen's hands. She flushed slightly off Colleen's raised eyebrow, "Since when do ya need t' make a list for stuff like this?"

"I...I was trying to entertain myself until the sun came up."

"An' this was the best ya could do?"

Michaela squirmed under Colleen's stare, "Well, I'm not known for being imaginative."

Colleen tilted her head to the side, and Michaela could feel her analyzing every word, every inflection of her voice; she was grateful for the low light. "Ya got plenty of imagination; you just sometimes need help rememberin' that you do."

Michaela laughed softly, "Thank you."

They sat in silence for a moment longer before Colleen opened her mouth to speak, only to close it again. She shifted slightly from side to side in her chair, and Michaela couldn't hold back her laugh, "What is it Colleen?"

"Well, I was wonderin'… I mean, I just wanted t' know…"

Michaela cupped the girl's cheek softly, "I don't want you to ever be afraid to ask me a question." She intoned gently, "Whatever it is, I'll do my best to answer."

Relieved, Colleen took a deep breath, "Are you okay?"

"Why would you ask me that?" Michaela responded curiously.

"You been actin' funny lately… like yesterday at dinner."

"I thought dinner went well yesterday."

She had hoped the temperate denial would appease her young charge, but Colleen was not to be deterred. She shook her head in frustration, "No, it was different. Everythin' felt different… and Sully was different. Usually when ya look like that Sully goes to talk to ya, and you both come back better… but ya came back worse…. And Sully didn't come back at all. He didn't even say bye to us."

The pricking behind Michaela's eyelids returned as she thought back to their argument the night before._ Do not cry in front of her. You'll only make her upset, pull yourself together._ "Colleen, sometimes Sully likes to be by himself, you know that."

"Are ya mad at each other?"

"Perhaps a little." She admitted, "But we'll sort it out between ourselves… you don't need to trouble yourself thinking about it."

"Who's fault is it?"

_His._ She forced herself to laugh, "As you get older you'll realize that oftentimes, it isn't solely one person's fault. Both parties are usually guilty in some way."

"It must be his fault then." Colleen stated definitively.

Legitimate surprise registered on Michaela's face, "What would make you think such a thing?"

" 'Cause if it was somethin' you did, ya would've just said so."

Michaela once again managed to paste a meager smile on her face, "I suppose I do believe it's his fault." _Catherine's head moved slowly towards him, and then her lips were against his, and he…_ "However in any case," she continued briskly, "I'm sure Sully shares the same sentiments towards me. You see, that really is my point Colleen, it's very difficult to remain neutral. Which is why you need to put all of this out of your mind."

Colleen stared skeptically, and Michaela drew her into a hug, "The only thing you need to remember is that you are loved, very much so, by both Sully and myself. Nothing will ever change that… I will always be your mother, and he will always be your friend."

_Don't make me do this anymore. Make her stop._

Colleen returned Michaela's hug, yet her face clearly showed she was in no way satisfied with her mother's vague answers. Something in her world was off balance, and no one in the family, Sully included, was going to behave normally until the scale was tipped back.

* * *

It was not until late in the morning that Michaela finally found herself alone in the front yard with the washing. Colleen had volunteered to help, but Michaela had refused her offer and encouraged her to find something to do in town. Brian, naturally, insisted on going with her.

She had been working but a short time when she heard the opening and closing of the side door. Overcome with irritation, her arm began to pump furiously against the board; was asking for five minutes of uninterrupted peace really so unreasonable? She needed time to herself; if she was going to keep a brave face for the children, while simultaneously appearing as unaffected as Sully, she had to have time to recharge. She was capable of being an entirely different person, but the act would only last so long if she didn't get some quiet time. Her conversation with Colleen was proof of that.

"Teach me."

Michaela's arm carried out the vertical action a few more times before slowing to a stop. Catherine swallowed and tried to communicate the decision she had made that night on the porch with Sully, "I want to help." She wanted to learn, to try to fit in again in order to please Sully and the rest of her new friends.

Michaela offered her a small smile, "You don't have to." She began to scrub halfheartedly at 

Brian's shirt, vainly hoping Catherine would sense her concentration and keep her visit brief.

"You are good doctor, good friend."

"Sometimes." Michaela paused, "Sometimes not so good." She gave up all pretenses of washing as she was overwhelmed with guilt. Catherine was a good person, and she had undergone traumatic, life altering events. A small part of Michaela had been wishing Catherine would leave; wishing all of her problems would disappear along with her. Now Michaela felt an all encompassing guilt for harbouring such thoughts, even in passing, towards someone who had recently been through so much. _She's lost her family, her friends, the only life she's ever known. The least you can do Michaela, the very least, is put your own petty feelings aside and act like a human being._

"Catherine, I know you're frightened about going back to Baltimore… I know how difficult it is to go to a new place." Michaela swallowed, and was pleased to realize she really had wanted good things for Catherine; she wished to see Catherine accepted and happy, but if she couldn't be happy in Baltimore… "It was my hope that you could go there and fit in and be happy, but if you don't feel that you can, you're welcome to stay here."

There was no mistaking the elation on Catherine's face as she fairly skipped back into the house. Michaela once again picked a white piece of clothing out of the soapy water; however this time she couldn't gather the strength of body to complete the task before her. Her mind was far from laundry. _Could she handle Catherine's continued presence in Colorado Springs?_ Yes. Yes she could. And when the relationship between Sully and Catherine developed into something more? What then? Michaela frowned at the thought. She would persevere as always. She would pretend it didn't bother her to see them together. She would pretend her heart didn't break when he came to the homestead to call on another woman.

Her hands were cold and cramped from her tight grip on the shirt; it had started to rain. The suds having long disappeared, she could clearly see the ripples in the wash water. Strange… she didn't feel wet. She brought a sleeve to her face and then stared at it in disgust; she was crying again. Michaela scrubbed angrily at her face until the skin turned pink with irritation. Dry eyed, and cross, she pushed her hands into the cold water and began washing with renewed vigour. What's done was done. She was a good person. It was Sully's loss.

_No it isn't._ The voice in her mind taunted, _You threw him away. He treated you like a princess, and you couldn't find ten minutes in your busy day to spend with him. You did this to yourself. Now you are the only one who is unhappy, and you deserve every moment of agony that comes your way._

Her body functioned independently from her mind, and her arm continued its violent assault on the washboard; completely unaware of the harsh penalty her knuckles were paying for the activity.

* * *

Smoke rose from the tiny chimney and drifted upwards before disappearing into the cloud filled sky. Michaela childishly stretched an arm above her head, impulsively reaching for the wisps of white which seemed to be just beyond her reach. She could smell the seasonings in the simmering chicken broth Colleen watched over carefully from inside the house, and knew she should climb down from her perch and make her way inside before someone came looking for her. It wouldn't do to be found. She wouldn't know where to begin explaining her actions.

The cow had been given one final milking, and on her way back to the house Michaela had observed the trees edging the property under an entire new light. With a careful glance around her, she had placed the full pail gently on the ground nearest the closest tree and spontaneously inched her way to the first sturdy branch.

If she were to be honest with herself, she would be forced to admit that it was a last attempt to recapture a fraction of the magic which had been so powerful this time yesterday.

_Yesterday. One day __past__._

Already it felt like a lifetime, so far away from her it was rather like reflecting upon a long past good dream.

"Whatcha doin'?"

Michaela startled slightly; as usual, she hadn't heard him coming. Determined to appear as nonchalant as he did with such ease, she answered him honestly. "I'm trying to see what you see; to find the beauty I did that evening."

"Oh."

"It's not the same by myself. It's empty." She paused, debating for a moment whether it was worth continuing, "That was our calm before the storm wasn't it?"

"Michaela don't do this."

Her back straightened defensively as she glared down at him from the low hanging limb. He had no say in what she did or did not do. She pushed herself off the branch and landed neatly on her feet, "What do you want?"

Sully shifted his weight nervously from side to side, "I need to talk to ya."

"Well maybe _I_ don't feel like talking now."

Frustration flitted across his face, but he refused to take the bait. He hadn't come here to fight her, he was determined to make her listen to what he had to say. "It's about Catherine."

"I think you should go." Michaela stated abruptly.

"And I think ya should listen. It's important." Sully snapped back impatiently; forgetting his vow of only moments before to stay focused on the speech he had spent the entire walk to the homestead preparing.

Michaela's brain, so quick on its feet, had already formulated her perfect response when at the last moment, she stopped herself. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction. She would be just as aloof as he appeared to her and let him experience the agony that was someone walking away when you were trying to pour out your heart and soul. "Goodnight Sully."

She walked stiffly past him, prepared to twist her arm away if he tried to stop her; he let her pass. _Good._ She would twist the knife. She would not make anything easy for him. Not when he had toppled her world on its side and turned even the simple things into a chore. She didn't care if it was petty. The sadness would one day pass. One day, she would not require Sully's physical presence to bury the hurt and find the addictive angry strength driving her now. With this resolve stubbornly in mind she closed the door firmly behind her without so much as a half glance backward.

"I was just about to send Brian to go get ya." Colleen smiled from near the stove. "Sure took ya long enough."

"I beg your pardon?"

"The milk." Colleen motioned to the pail hanging loosely from Michaela's arms.

Michaela stared unseeingly down at the pail before she realized that Colleen was waiting for a response of sorts. "Oh. Yes. I had a little difficulty focusing, to be honest."

The young girl nodded understandingly, "Happens to everybody I guess."

Michaela set the pail on the counter and took her place at the table as Colleen brought the dishes over. They said a quick prayer and began the meal Colleen had so carefully prepared; Michaela mechanically cutting her food into child sized pieces, chewing and swallowing without tasting a thing.

"Where's your brother?"

"He said he'd be back after supper. He's out fixin' some fence with Jon." Brian mumbled from around his mouthful of bread.

"Brian it isn't polite to chew with your mouth full."

"Sorry Ma." He swallowed contritely before continuing, "Did ya know that crickets can tell ya the temperature?"

"Really?" Michaela feigned surprise even as her heart thudded painfully in her chest. Sully had taught her that. There was no escaping.

"Yup!" Her youngest son answered enthusiastically, "All ya gotta do is time their chirping."

Brian continued to chatter on, but Michaela was looking beyond him to Catherine. Catherine, the woman who was currently causing more conflicting emotions in her than she knew what to do with. When had she become so sad? Even Brian didn't seem to be enough to draw her from her shell tonight. "Is something wrong Catherine?"

Catherine looked up startled from her plate, which sat untouched in front of her. The confused, wide eyed expression stayed fixed on her face until Michaela repeated the question. With a final glance around the table, she spoke slowly, "I think I would like to go home."

The words were so soft Michaela thought for a moment she might have imagined them, but Brian's protest convinced her it was very real indeed. "Why would ya wanna do that? I thought ya liked it here with us."

"I do like it here." Catherine frowned as she again found herself struggling for words, "My family… they look very hard for me. I should try. I should try. I should see people who know me before. I should see…" Her voice trailed off and she averted her gaze back to her full plate.

"Catherine, I meant what I said. You can stay here as long as you like. If you don't feel you're ready to go, you can wait until the time feels right for you." Michaela comforted earnestly.

"I know your heart is good Dr. Mike." Catherine offered a feeble smile, "The time is right. On the next coach, I will go."

* * *

The following two days passed in a blur; telegrams were rapidly exchanged between Catherine's Baltimore and Colorado families as preparations for her voyage were made. Michaela found herself once again split into two pieces as she stood by the stagecoach to see Catherine off. In part she was sorry to see Catherine go; especially when she looked so unhappy. However Michaela honestly believed it was for the best; her family deserved a chance. Her offer had been genuine, had Catherine truly longed to stay she would have made it work; but perhaps Catherine had only needed to seriously envision what a life in town would be like in order to discover that Colorado Springs had been a temporary solution. Eventually she would have to stop hiding and remember how to forge her own life.

"I've written a letter regarding my medical findings; I want you to give this to a doctor when you get there," Michaela paused to embrace her former charge, "Good luck."

"Thank you Dr. Mike, for everything."

Sully stepped forward, and Michaela reflexively took a step back. If he noticed, he gave no indication. Michaela watched as Sully and Catherine were pulled together beside the stagecoach door, they fit so well; they looked as if they belonged together. Catherine grabbed a hold of the 

beads around her neck and began to pull them over her head; she was saying goodbye.

"No." Sully stopped her arm mid motion, and his hand moved to cover hers; _magnets_. "You keep it. Remember me." Michaela held her breath in order to hear the barely audible words he whispered next, "I'll remember you." He released her hand, and placed his own over his heart.

_Make me a stone._

Sully had been her constant from her first days in Colorado Springs, and this change to the variable which had always maintained the stability in her life was causing everything to spin out of control.

Three days ago, Sully had gone from proclaiming his innocence to accusing her of being responsible within a matter of seconds; no matter how he tried to brush it off, it was evident that what happened between the two of them had indeed been significant. Any person who couldn't admit that, especially watching them now, had to be deaf _and _blind in order to remain oblivious.

Catherine disappeared inside the stagecoach and Michaela clenched her bag tighter, willing herself to remain composed. Sully had been her best friend, one of her first friends. Sully was incorporated in every aspect of her life in Colorado Springs, and she was struck by the realization that moving on wouldn't be a simple matter of putting him out of her mind, she was going to have to rebuild her entire life for the second time. She had grown dependent on Sully; his provisions, his company, his willingness to watch over the children. Michaela would have to start all over again, and this time she would be all alone. Charlotte and Sully had helped her find her footing when she first arrived in town; she had made connections with them unlike any she had formed with people before, or since. Now Charlotte was dead, and in a way, so was Sully. Michaela needed to form a new identity which was neither Charlotte, nor Sully, nor Elizabeth, nor Joseph. She had liked her life as it was; loved it. Now everything was finished. She was truly on her own.

Michaela watched as Sully waved goodbye; him and Catherine unable to pull their eyes away from one another until the distance grew too great between them. His eyes continued to linger on the retreated horses and Michaela jumped on the opportunity to make her escape while he was still entranced by the fast disappearing stagecoach. She couldn't speak to him; she couldn't look at him or be near him ever again if she was going to get a fresh start.

"I have calls to make; I'll see you back home." Michaela didn't wait for a reaction from the children, she was barely aware of them at all as the claustrophobia set in and she pushed past them and around Sully, moving as quickly as she could without running. She had barely rounded the corner when her eyes began to fill. It was over. She could be sad for a few hours and return home with a plan.

Her relief was short lived however, since but a moment passed before she sensed Sully's fast approaching presence. The tiny hairs on her arms rose long before she could hear him behind her, and Michaela picked up her pace. Her nose was starting to run, and it was also evident from the burning sensation in her cheeks that her face and eyes were most likely red.

_**Think of the dark, where no one can see you. No one can see what you look like, how you hold yourself, the way you think on your face.**_

How Michaela longed for the dark. Nothing had ever touched her there. Sully had rescued her from the dark and reintroduced her to the light, and she had danced and lived and loved, and been so grateful to remember what it was like to feel, she had forgotten the consequences of its radiance. She had forgotten the vulnerability and the sharp pain which could be so easily inflicted by anyone she let in… forgotten why long ago she had decided it was so much better to simply be numb. _I certainly remember now._

Sully had essentially caught up with her now; she could hear him close behind her. Michaela could sense him weighing his options, deciding on the best way to approach her. His footsteps slowed; he must have come to some sort of decision. Michaela continued walking, but stiffened in anticipation of the comment she was certain he was on the verge of voicing. If there was any justice to be found in the universe, the ground would open up at her feet and devour her before he could say a word.

* * *

_Thanks so much for being patient with me guys! Sorry it took so long. I'm going to try harder, I really am, lol._


	6. Chapter 6

His Story

Chapter 6

Sully blended unobtrusively into the background as Michaela and the kids said their goodbyes to Catherine. Things had taken a very bad turn, and it had all happened so fast he still couldn't quite sort it through. He understood why Catherine felt she had to leave, and he knew she'd be better off with her folks in Baltimore, but she should be happy to be going. Catherine was clearly anything but happy, and Sully felt responsible. _You __**are**__ responsible._

Sully shook his head; he hadn't done anything wrong. Catherine had kissed **him**, and he had broken away from her. It was unfortunate Michaela had witnessed the event, but it had been a mistake, and she was being unreasonable. Either way, he was going to have to address the fight between him and Michaela later, right now Catherine was leaving for good and he couldn't shake his feeling of responsibility for her wellbeing. They had never spoken of the kiss following his disappearance after Michaela; he had seen no need to embarrass her, and until she came to see him the night before last, he had thought the incident had been put behind them.

_Sully sat quietly on the bank of the river while Wolf ever faithfully kept guard a few yards away. It really was easier being alone. His argument with Michaela the night before was fresh in his mind, and knowing there would be no escaping the sound of their loud voices resonating through his head, he had opted to find a quiet spot and untangle his feelings. Perhaps he had been wrong to say some of the things he had, but there had been barbed comments on her end as well. He liked to think of himself as a patient person, but Michaela had this way of getting under his skin. Why was it so hard for her to just let other people speak? He hadn't been able to complete a thought in his head, never mind voice it, before she cut him off and threw another question into the mix. It was aggravating. Catherine was not in love with him anymore than he was with her; and he could have told her that had she just allowed him an opportunity to string together a coherent thought._

_The sound of footsteps surprised him, but Wolf remained docile, indicating to Sully that whoever the intruder happened to be, they were no threat. He turned his head, and slowly got to his feet upon seeing Catherine, waiting patiently for her to speak._

"_I've talked to Dr. Mike, she told me I can stay." A warning bell went off dimly in the back of his mind, but Sully brushed it off as he would any pesky insect. _

"_Don't you wanna see your family?"_

"_You are my family now." Catherine confirmed with a smile, confident he would be as happy with her decision as she was._

"_Your real family," Sully pressed gently, "You should give them a chance."_

_Catherine continued to smile as she closed the distance between them and placed a hand against his chest, "My heart is with you."_

_Sully's stomach sank as he felt her touch and absorbed her earnest confession. The kiss had meant more than he thought to Catherine. He had believed it to be a spur of the moment action between them, one they both regretted, and hence could simply leave in the past. _

_Michaela had been right._

_With as much care as he could manage, he subtly removed her hand from his upper body. As angry as he was with her at the moment, Michaela held his heart. In a brief moment of neglected frustration, he had lost sight of that, but he could never have the feelings for this woman that he did for Michaela. "My heart," he began slowly, "is with Dr. Mike."_

_Catherine's face fell, but she raised her chin and took the blow in stride, "A good woman."_

"_Yes." Guilt tugged at Sully's heart; he liked Catherine, and he didn't want to see her upset. "I'm sorry."_

"Thank you, Dr. Mike. For everything." He watched the two of them share a hug, and then he stepped forward to make his amends. It had been his job to look out for Catherine, and he had ended up inadvertently injuring her worse than anyone else in town. He needed to know there were no hard feelings between them; he needed to give a proper goodbye to the one person in the world who knew what it was like to be him.

Catherine began to pull the necklace he gave her over her head, and Sully touched her arm to stop her. "No, you keep it. Remember me." Out of habit, he placed his hand on his own chest to emphasize his words, speaking slowly to ensure the English was understood, "I'll remember you." She nodded her head and quickly turned to climb into the waiting carriage. They held each other's gaze as the stagecoach began to drive away, and Sully's eyes followed it for as long as he could. He wished things had been different. He wished he could go back and fix everything so there were no misunderstandings; he had failed her.

In the back of his mind, he vaguely registered Michaela talking, but it was not until his peripheral vision caught her walking past him that realized how long he had been staring. His eyes narrowed as she pointedly walked away without acknowledging his presence; he was used to her fighting him when she was angry… he didn't know how to handle a silent treatment. _We're going to have this out once and for all._ He decided grimly. Catherine was gone, Michaela couldn't hold on to the incident forever. However before he could start after her, Brian appeared at his side, "Wanna go fishin' with me?" he asked perkily.

"I'd really like that Brian," Sully did his best to pay attention to the little boy, but he was itching to leave. Every moment he stood here was another step Michaela gained away from him. "But I gotta talk to Dr. Mike first."

Without another word, he gave Brian a reassuring pat and walked quickly in the direction he had last seen Michaela go. He rounded the corner, and caught a glimpse of her skirt before it disappeared from his view. Sully increased his pace to a light jog, then slowed again when he reached the path at the tree line he had seen her pass not a moment before. Her back stiffened in front of him; she was well aware of his presence, and yet onward she continued. He protracted his speed almost to a halt, the closer he got to her the more annoyed he was. He shouldn't have to chase her in order to get her to talk, he hadn't done anything wrong.

"You're not lettin' this go, are you?"

She froze, and for a moment Sully half believed she was going to take off running. But no, that wasn't Michaela. She would turn around and face him if for no other reason than to prove to herself that she could. A moment passed, and, just as he predicted, Michaela quickly turned around. "So I can be made a fool of again?" Her voice was low and husky, and Sully was taken aback by her pink cheeks and glassy eyes.

His voice instantly softened, "If that's the way you see it."

She placed her medical bag firmly on the ground and marched up to him with a false courage that was betrayed by the trembling of her voice. "What if she'd stayed?" She whispered.

"I'd have chose you." _No, no that's not what I mean…there was never a choice to make. I can't think around you… I can never think around you..._

"How do I know that?" There was a hopelessness in her tenor he had never heard before; and it scared him more than anything.

"Nothing ever happened between me and Catherine." He tried again sincerely, "I wouldn't let it."

"Something happened here." Michaela touched a perfect hand to his chest over his heart, and his whole body ignited. Sparks. He thought of Catherine's touch against his body when she had confessed her feelings for him; he had removed her hand, not really thinking of why. Here lay his answer. He knew this touch; this was where he belonged. He gripped Michaela's hand, trying to force her to feel what he felt when she touched him like that, reminding her how strong their connection was, but she seemed to sense what he was doing and pulled her fingers away, leaving him grasping nothing but air. Confusion crossed his face; she was blocking her heart to his touch, consciously resisting the effect they had on one another.

"I'd have never thought it possible, not after the things we said to each other." She continued sadly.

"I meant all those things." He resisted his urge to simply take her in his arms and assure her with actions everything he couldn't seem to spit out with words, "I still do."

Michaela broke contact once again and walked away from him, leaving Sully once again with the impression that she was fighting the impulse to take flight. He found his anger growing anew, she didn't understand, and he couldn't help feeling it was somewhat intentional. She had no business trying to make him feel guilty for something he wasn't even responsible for. He hadn't made Catherine fall for him. "Don't you hear what I'm sayin'?"

There was no response to his question and she maintained her position with her back to him, staring off into a place he couldn't reach. "Are you gonna stay mad at me forever?"

"Leave me alone." She hissed, although the effect was ruined by the wobbling in her tone she couldn't seem to control. He ignored her request and tugged insistently on her jacket, "Answer me."

Michaela whirled around to face him, and when he saw the fire flash briefly in her eyes he couldn't mask his relief. He could handle this Michaela. "I'm not angry at you, I'm…" she trailed off, and as quickly as the relief had come to him it disappeared; Sully again felt the panic seize at him. Michaela was never at a loss for words… she always knew exactly what she was thinking and feeling, it was him who grew tongue tied when put on the spot. _What was going on?_

"You hurt me Sully." He dropped his gaze and shifted his weight from side to side as shame washed over him. _Try to bury the guilt now, Sully. Look at her face and try to say none of this was your fault._ "I'm a doctor, people put themselves in my hands, they give themselves to me, they trust me. I'm… not used to giving myself to anyone. I gave myself to _**you. **_I trusted _**you.**_"

His heart squeezed painfully in his chest as an epiphany hit him; _she is not angry. She is damaged beyond measure. You have killed her faith in love. _He frantically reached to cup her cheek in his large hands, again believing that if he could just touch her, everything would be okay, "I'm sorry –

"I am too." She jerked away from his touch, and Sully was startled by the level of emotion so clearly written across her face as she bared her soul and struggled not to cry. _If I touch her, she will fall apart._ He drew back his hand and allowed her to finish, "I just… I can't be with you right now."

It had never occurred to him that he could actually lose her forever; that the damage was perhaps too much to undo. That such a stupid mistake could cost him the best thing he had ever had. Michaela had been pushed too far, and the consequences for Sully were devastating.

_I can't be with you right now…_

He would cling to that tiny branch of hope; he would believe that someday, she could recover. He would keep faith, because losing it would destroy him. And he would give her space because smothering Michaela might push her over the edge and out of his life forever.

Sully's face hardened as he steeled himself for the impossible task before him and took a non-threatening step backwards. She was already exposing so much of herself; he wouldn't make it any more difficult for her. He would stop arguing, and he would give her time to repair everything he had broken inside of her. With a little distance, maybe Michaela could learn to trust him again. "If you change your mind, I'll always be here."

It was she who initiated the hug, and Sully hung on for dear life, emitting as much support as he could muster while savouring the feeling of her body against his, knowing this was possibly the last time he would get to hold her. _The last time…_

The thought shook him to the core, and he gently released her, letting her go and leaving her free to decide when and where they would begin again; if ever. The anguish in her expression cut into his stomach, and when he could bear the pain in her eyes no longer, he turned his back, and disappeared.

* * *

A week had passed since Michaela had ended their relationship, and Sully had kept his word and respectfully remained out of her way. His love for her made him willing enough to grant her all the time she needed, but he was discovering it was a lot harder being away from her than he had expected. A week was by no means a significant amount of time for them to spend apart; he had often gone on hunting excursions which lasted much longer, but the situations had changed. There was no longer comfort to be found in the knowledge that he could always come home to her. He had managed to avoid the kids so far as well… he wasn't sure what the rules were as far as they were concerned, and he didn't think Michaela would appreciate his asking. He was starting to miss them; especially Brian's constant state of excitement and wonder over every little new thing he learned. The boy sure was bright.

Sully touched the broken axel of the wagon and frowned in concentration. He had spent the last few days working odd jobs for Robert E in the livery, preferring to spend time keeping busy in town as opposed to at the reservation. He told himself he didn't want to chance being at the reservation at the same time as Michaela, but the truth was, he didn't feel up to talking yet, not even to Cloud Dancing. Besides, if Michaela ever wanted to speak with him, he wanted her to be able to find him quickly and easily before she changed her mind.

Picking up a hammer, Sully ran a critical eye over the damaged portions. However before he could immerse himself in the task at hand, a familiar voice interrupted him.

"Hey Sully."

"Hey Brian." Sully surveyed the uncharacteristic slump of the boy's shoulders and the dejected shuffling of his feet as he ambled over to his older friend, "What's the matter?"

"Are you and Ma gonna make up soon?"

Sully heaved an inward sigh; Brian's childlike directness never got any easier to respond to. "I don't know Brian."

"I missed ya at Supper. I asked Ma when you were comin' back and she cried. I felt real bad, even though later on she told me not to worry about it."

The guilt gnawed at him once again. He had been doing his best to put it out of his head, but it was turning out to be a far more difficult task than he expected. "She's right about that," Sully replied slowly, "Ya don't gotta worry about nothin' that ever happens between me and your Ma. I'll always be your friend, Brian."

Brian nodded pensively and seemed to accept the explanation. After all, it was essentially the same answer he had received from Dr. Mike herself, so it had to be true. "Wanna walk home with me?"

Sully floundered for a diplomatic way to turn down the offer, but as usual, one look into Brian's hopeful eyes was all it took to change his mind. He wasn't getting any work done anyway, and Mr. Carnahan wasn't planning on coming back for the wagon until the end of the week.

"I'd like that."

All traces of the solemn little boy he had seen not seconds earlier vanished completely, and Brian grinned widely while anxiously tugging on Sully's hand, "C'mon. I got lots to show ya… Matthew and me fixed the table. Remember how it was wobbling and Colleen kept gettin' mad 'cause I kept accidentally knocking it while she was doin' her homework?"

Sully opened his mouth to respond, but Brian continued talking; apparently it had been a rhetorical question. A faint smile came to play upon his lips; no matter how upset you were, Brian had a way of making your forget.

Brian's amicable chatter ran nonstop until they reached the homestead. Colleen sat on the porch shelling peas while Matthew absently whittled a piece of wood, and Sully noticed the wary look which passed between the two of them when they saw him approaching alongside Brian. It was too be expected; Matthew and Colleen were old enough to develop their own conclusions, he doubted they would be as easily appeased as Brian.

"Are you stayin' for dinner?" Colleen inquired cautiously as Brian plunked himself down cheerfully on the step beside her.

Sully shook his head, "Not tonight."

He saw anger flash through her eyes before she bent her head and focused fiercely on the vegetables in front of her. He took a deep breath and prepared himself for the worst. Colleen was acting more and more like Michaela everyday; he hadn't figured out whether that was a good thing or not. "Is there somethin' I can do t' help?" He asked awkwardly.

It was instantly apparent that Sully had said the wrong thing; Colleen's head snapped back up and she glared in his direction, "How come you ain't come to see us since Catherine left?" She interrogated accusingly.

So that was it. She wasn't really angry; in his efforts to give Michaela her space he had misjudged how badly the children would react to what they saw as yet another act of abandonment. Colleen was hurt, and once again, he had managed to fail the people he cared about. "Colleen, I know it's gonna take some adjustin', but you gotta trust that things will sort themselves out, and you gotta have a little patience."

"Maybe I don't wanna be patient." She snapped, "Maybe I just want things t' be the way they were before Catherine came… when you and Ma liked each other."

_You're not the only one._ Sully looked to Matthew for assistance, but the older boy was strangely silent. Brian stared nervously between Sully and Colleen, and Sully joined the two of them on the step, placing a comforting hand on Brian's back. "Colleen, I know you ain't happy about this. Dr. Mike just needs a little time to herself… she's always puttin' other people's feelings in front of her own, and if she sees you guys upset it's only gonna make her upset. It ain't any easier for her than it is for you."

"That don't make no sense." Brian protested, speaking for the first time since their arrival, "If you ain't happy away from each other then ya should just stay together."

Sully breathed out slowly through his teeth, they were going in circles. "Did ya talk to Dr. Mike about this?" Brian nodded his affirmation. "What'd she say?"

Sighing dramatically, Brian recited Michaela's lecture in his most monotonous of tones,

"She said the two of ya weren't courtin' anymore and that it didn't mean anythin' except that you needed to just be friends for awhile. Then she said you would always be our friend, and that it wasn't nobody's fault, just somethin' the two of ya needed to work out on your own."

"It's the truth." Sully nodded, "Maybe I won't be around as often for awhile, but it don't mean I care about you any less."

"I don't believe ya." Colleen muttered bitterly.

Sully's brow furrowed, "Why not?"

"Last time Ma talked to me about you and her, she said ya both loved us, an' nothin' would ever change that. A couple days after that Catherine left and you two stopped courtin'; she lied to me, same as your lyin' to us now." She raised her chin defiantly, daring him to deny her words.

When Sully couldn't form an immediate response, she smirked, "That's what I thought." Without another word, she stood and roughly pulled Brian up from the step.

"Come on Brian, you got homework to do."

"But Colleen…" He made a futile attempt to pull his arm away, but Colleen's grip remained firm.

"Ma's gonna be angry if it ain't done by the time she gets home." She marched him into the house and slammed the door behind her.

Sully sat in stunned silence, he tried to be as honest with the three of them as possible, and they were usually acceptant of what he told them. Had Colleen sensed right away that he was being less forthcoming than usual? He chanced a glance towards Matthew, who had yet to say a word.

"You've been awful quiet Matthew."

The eldest Cooper shrugged and took a few half hearted swipes at his piece of wood, "You're always tellin' us there are two sides to every story; I don't know either of 'em." He twirled the knife between his fingers, avoiding eye contact, "All I know is what I can see. I ain't got a clue what happened between the two of you, but Dr. Mike's the closest thing I got to a Ma, and I like seein' her happy. I ain't used to seein' her look the way she does now." Sully made no comment, waiting for Matthew to continue. "Ya broke somethin', and whatever it is, I think you should fix it."

"Matthew, you gotta believe that if it were that simple, I'd have done it already."

Matthew nodded his agreement, "I suppose that's true enough. Like I said… I ain't got a clue what happened. All I can do is guess. I just want ya to make sure Colleen and Brian don't suffer for it; especially Brian."

The kids weren't supposed to get hurt, neither was Michaela. Or Catherine; but hindsight was twenty twenty._ Don't see why we can't just forget it all._ "They won't." Sully assured.

Appeased, Matthew went back to his carving, and the two of them settled into silence. Now it was just a matter of figuring out how he would manage to stay close, and stay away at the same time. There was no winning.

* * *

"_Hello, Sully." Michaela offered stiffly._

_She was always so stiff; she had become an entirely different person since Boston. Even if she decided she never wanted to see him romantically again, the loss of one of his closest friends was killing him. Living without her was impossible._

"_Hi." Sorry. Say you're sorry. Spit out something useful. _

_Nothing useful came to him, and the silence grew longer, and they grew further, and she slipped through his fingers once again._

Sully took the long route to the reservation; racing his horse at a breakneck speed in an effort to put his heightened state of frustration behind him. He had waited too long. His life was spinning away from him and he could no longer put off seeking counsel with Cloud Dancing. Somewhere along the line he had convinced himself that if he just waited long enough, everything would work itself out without forcing him to relive the memories.

He slowed as he rounded the last bend before the reservation, and was not surprised in the least to find Cloud Dancing already waiting for him. Sully jumped down from his horse, and the two men embraced. No words were necessary between them, and without further formalities they walked the short distance to the teepee and disappeared from sight.

"I talked to her yesterday." Sully stated casually as he sipped his tea, confident that Cloud Dancing wouldn't require further explanation. He gave a slight shiver, he hadn't realized the chill in the air until he sat before the fire and warmth began to seep back in.

"It is good that you are speaking again."

Sully raised an eyebrow, _speaking? Are you kidding me?_

Cloud Dancing laughed in response, and Sully allowed himself a wry smile, although he sobered quickly. "We ain't together no more."

Cloud Dancing nodded, "I know."

"We ain't been for over a week."

"I am aware of this also."

"The Spirits tell ya?"

"No." He shook his head, "Snowbird."

"Of course." Sully rolled his eyes. "I suppose she told ya 'bout Catherine kissin' me?"

Cloud Dancing once again shook his head, "I believe the loyalty Snowbird and Dr. Mike feel toward one other is stronger than what they feel toward us. Snowbird would not say a word more."

"Maybe I could talk to her…"

"I do not think that would be wise."

"I don't know what to do." Sully admitted defeatedly, "Tell me what to do."

"You cannot fix what has happened until you can see why it happened in the first place."

"It didn't mean nothin'."

"These things do not happen without reason."

"Maybe not," Sully replied skeptically, "But if I could go back, I would. I never wanted to hurt her. I ain't never seen her look the way she did that day."

"Your love runs deep, of that there is no doubt, but you and Dr. Mike have both been alone for a long time. You do not remember to look from any perspective other than your own. It is a difficult thing to learn, but necessary."

Sully took a deep breath and held it, enjoying the slight burning sensation in his lungs before exhaling slowly.

"When I first met her, I resented her for makin' me feel all these things I didn't think I was ready to be feelin' so soon after Abagail."

"She brought you back into the light." Cloud Dancing affirmed. "The Spirits knew it was time, even if you did not."

"Things are different then they used t' be. Even before Catherine showed up…. Somethin' changed, and I can't put my finger on it but I feel like things have been off balance ever since."

"Then something has changed for her as well." Cloud Dancing pointed out.

Sully started to protest, but Cloud Dancing continued over him, "There is rarely a strict right and wrong when it comes to love. You and Dr. Mike need to accept that often, you are both going to be wrong."

"That ain't very encouragin'." Sully commented.

Cloud Dancing shrugged, "You asked."

* * *

Sully was getting ready to leave when he saw a new rider approaching the reservation; a female rider. He groaned inwardly, five more minutes and they could have blissfully missed each other, but no. Apparently someone, somewhere in the universe had other plans. He watched as she jumped down from her horse, and saw the exact moment she noticed him standing a ways to her left. She froze, and Sully saw her glance longingly back towards Flash, wishing she could just climb back on and ride away. It took but a moment for her to gather her wits, raise her chin and stride purposefully towards him.

"What are you doing here?" She demanded.

Sully did a double take, if anyone had a right to be at the reservation it was him. "This was my place first." He stated defensively. "I came t' see Cloud Dancin'."

Michaela blushed, "No, I just meant…. I thought I saw you at the livery…"

_Ah._ He understood, he too had been watching her from a distance, doing his best to never be where she was. It made sense she had been doing the same, but it unnerved him nonetheless. Had they really grown so far apart that he could no longer feel her eyes when they watched him?

"Well, I was there earlier."

"Oh." The awkward silence between them grew, neither knowing what to say. Then Michaela's eyes found his curiously, "What were you speaking with Cloud Dancing about?"

"I'd say the same thing you were speakin' with Snowbird about not too long ago." He remarked evenly.

"How do you know about that?" She hissed, making a conscious effort to keep her voice low.

"Cloud Dancin' told me! Shoulda known you'd've told her before I had a chance to get out here."

"You are impossible, Byron Sully." Michaela spat before turning on her heel and heading back to Flash.

"You ain't exactly a picnic to get along with yourself." He muttered under his breath. He turned to board his own horse only to find Cloud Dancing positioned almost directly behind him; his best friend stood with his arms crossed, one eyebrow raised and the beginnings of a smirk on his face.

"Don't start." Sully snapped as he stormed past Cloud Dancing and swung himself onto the horse's bare back, "It ain't funny."

Seeing that Michaela had already claimed the main entrance for her exit route, Sully did an about face on his horse and headed into the woods in the opposite direction. Cloud Dancing stoically watched the two of them disappear before shaking his head and retreating back into his teepee.

* * *

_Thanks for all the feedback guys! Sorry about my penchant for posting at random early hours of the morning... consider it a loveable quirk. _


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

The midnight black of the sky slowly receded to gray, then the dimmest hue of blue. Another hour passed and the dark diminished completely; surprising Sully as he came out of his trance and faced the bright sunlight. The hypnotic flames of his fire had long since died, and he stared with disbelief into the ashen remnants of his long night.

The lean-to remained close to the homestead, because despite his promise to give Michaela space, he couldn't force himself to leave. She was by far the strongest woman he had ever met, and it was because of this it had been almost too easy to convince himself that she would be okay; that the look of total devastation would easily be overcome.

He didn't want to think about Catherine; couldn't bring himself to face the fact that although he most definitely had not initiated the kiss, he _had_ allowed it to happen. Sully had never held out hope to find love after Abagail; then against all odds it had come to him once again, and he had risked losing it all.

Michaela was so in control of her emotions… he couldn't do what she did; he couldn't be two different people whenever occasion called for it. Still, he could see how the effort tried her; the strain it sometimes took for her to keep all of her emotions so in place. It was painful to watch, and infuriating because the entire process was so unnecessary. She caused herself so much distress by her own inability to just be who she was, and the longer he was around her, the harder it became to sit patiently waiting on the outside of the wall she built around herself. And so, in one brief, vulnerable moment he had looked into Catherine's face and seen Michaela. For one brief moment he had been desperate enough to try and pretend. And he had felt nothing. Not a spark. None of the shock that traveled through him the moment he came in contact with the woman he loved. It had been wrong on every level and all he wanted to do was put it out of his mind forever and never dwell on it again.

Could Michaela simply turn her feelings off and ignore the rare bond they shared? No. Michaela hadn't been able to severe the bond, despite her best efforts. The tie between them surpassed anything within their control. Like a wild fire, it was bigger than they were… consuming everything in its path, and at times burning both of them right along with the rest of the carnage.

Sully had grossly underestimated the power the incident with Catherine would hold over them; and it was a mistake he wasn't sure he could correct given his and Michaela's current inability to coexist civilly. He needed to find a way to reign in his frustration or things were going to come to an unpleasant head. Already he could feel the pressure building… as if the two of them had run out of space inside themselves, and every unsaid thing between them waited restlessly in the air around them. Eventually they were going to run out of space. Eventually, things were going to explode.

* * *

Sully, Brian and Colleen sat on the porch cleaning the fish they had caught earlier at the creek. It was a task that theoretically could have been finished fifteen minutes ago, but they took their time, enjoying one another's company and the light hearted banter between them which used to be so taken for granted. For Colleen and Brian, the afternoon held a sense of ordinary routine that had been greatly missed. There was no tension in the air, no one was pretending; they were genuinely happy.

The good cheer fizzled to a stop however as Michaela came riding up to the homestead. Colleen and Brian eyed one another warily, and neither one was surprised when Sully pocketed his knife and slowly stood.

"I'll see you guys next week."

"Next week?!" Colleen protested.

"I gotta check my traps… I'll be back in a few days."

He gave them one final wave, and then turned his back and walked towards Michaela. Colleen looked at Brian, and sighed when she saw he was close to tears.

"Come on Brian. We can finish this up inside." She gently took his hand and led the little boy into the house, closing the door softly behind them.

Michaela jumped down from her horse and met Sully halfway in his walk towards her, "I trust you all had fun this afternoon?"

Sully grinned, her stance was cautious, but she was speaking to him. That was a start. "We sure did. Colleen's gettin' a mighty fine supper started for ya. The fishin' was good today."

"That's good." Michaela smiled.

Brian watched their exchange with rapt attention from the front window, "Hey they're talkin'!" He said excitedly.

"Brian, come away from that window." Colleen reprimanded absently as she seasoned the fish.

"But Colleen –

"Leave 'em be Brian!"

The silence grew uncomfortable between them as Sully stood frozen, unwilling to leave when they seemed to be making progress, yet terrified of saying the wrong thing. However the moment had passed, and as much as it hurt, he was going to have to walk away.

"I guess I'll see you around." He stuttered awkwardly.

Michaela nodded, "I'm sure you will. Goodnight Sully."

"Goodnight, Dr. Mike." Out of habit, he touched her arm as he walked past, and his stomach clenched when he felt her flinch away from the contact. "How much longer is it gonna take?"

"Sully," Michaela sighed, "I told you I just need time. I can't do this."

"It's been three weeks." He stated softly, "I'm willin' to give you as much time as ya need, but I'm startin' to think that maybe somethin' else needs to be done."

When no objections were raised on Michaela's part, Sully walked the short distance to the front porch and stood on the front steps, silently inviting Michaela to join him. She approached slowly and stood a step above him, leaning against the porch railing. "Can you tell me why you kissed her?" Michaela asked quietly.

Sully stiffened, "I didn't kiss her." _Stop doing that. Why are you finding it so difficult to simply apologize and leave it at that?!_

"Really." Her tone sharpened, "That must be my mistake. I suppose I completely imagined everything I saw that night."

"Why are you being so difficult?"

"Why can't we just talk about it?" She retorted exasperatedly. "I can't let it go unless you tell me everything. I'm not the one who kissed someone else, why is this so difficult for _you_ to talk about?"

_Because it was an accident. Because I'm ashamed. Because you obsess over things and if you make me talk about it you'll never be able to let it go.__ I'm asking you to let it go._

"She kissed _me_, how is that you never remember that part?"

"Oh," Michaela feigned surprise, "She kissed _you_? Well then I apologize Sully, there was clearly nothing you could have done to stop it. What was I thinking?"

Sully took a deep breath in an effort to scale down the quickly escalating conversation. "The whole thing, it ain't as black and white as you think." He returned softly.

Sully had been sadly mistaken in his belief that he could diffuse the situation by making a conscious effort to come across less aggressively. If anything, Michaela looked all the more antagonized. "Don't you talk down to me Sully. I may not be as knowledgeable as _you_ in these matters, but I'm no fool."

He gritted his teeth, but managed to keep his voice even, "I wasn't tryin' to talk down to you. I don't think that's fair –

"Fair?" she quipped, "I think I've been more than fair. A lot more fair than you've been to me. You never did answer my question about the women in your life following Abagail's passing. How _fair_ does that seem to you?"

Sully's eyes flashed, "You know exactly why I didn't answer that. Don't pretend ya don't. Ya do these things with your words so that no matter what I say, it's wrong."

Michaela smirked; satisfied that he now seemed just as ruffled as she was, "I think the fact that you need to put so much thought into it in the first place says it all."

Back inside, Brian continued to spy on the adults from the window. It was more difficult for him to see now that they were standing so close to the door, but he was managing. He couldn't keep his elation at bay. He hadn't seen the two of them talk together in what felt like a lifetime.

"Colleen, they're still talkin'!"

"Brian, I ain't gonna tell you again, come away from that window."

"I'm gonna go out there." He said excitedly, making a break for the door.

"Brian, NO! Brian get back here, I'm not kiddin'!" Colleen ran around the table and made a grab for his arm, but he evaded her and flung the door open before she could get her hands on him again.

"The bottom line remains that you had plenty of opportunity to move; you let it happen, and that's every bit as bad as initiating it yourself."

Before further comment could be made, the front door swung open and Brian appeared, grinning ear to ear, "Hey Ma, Hey Sully!"

"Now ain't a good time, Brian." Sully said sternly.

"But –

"Brian please, we're talking." Michaela cut in.

Brian shifted his gaze from Michaela to Sully, and back again. He had honestly thought it was over, he had thought he was getting them both back. He should have listened to Colleen and stayed inside. He took off running for the sanctuary of the barn, it wasn't fair. None of this was fair.

Brian's frantic escape went unnoticed by both Michaela and Sully, he was already forgotten as they glared at each other, sizing one another up.

"I already said I was sorry… what more can I give ya? Blood?" _Stop baiting her. you ARE sorry. Just close your mouth._ The voice of reason didn't even register as a whisper; Sully was quickly growing furious. How was it possible to miss someone so much, and then feel so angry, so quickly, the moment they came back?

"You don't even know why you said it." Michaela snapped.

"'Course I do. You got hurt, and I never meant for that to happen."

"But you kissed her!"

"_She_ kissed _me._" The phrase had been repeated what felt like a hundred times in the last few weeks, and it still had yet to filter through her stubborn memory. He had been confused, and insecure for one brief moment; Michaela wasn't the only one entitled to those feelings. Yes, he felt guilty, but for hurting her, not for initiating the kiss. _Are you sure? _Yes, he was sure. And right now her accusations were angering him past his guilt induced silence; he had agreed to give her space, there had been no mention of remaining quiet while she said whatever she pleased.

"Don't argue semantics with me Sully; a kiss isn't something you just let happen to you."

"You would know Michaela." He muttered. No sooner had the words left his mouth than he regretted them; this wasn't the right way to have this conversation. He couldn't understand his own compulsion to goad her when she was already angry.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Ya definitely don't, 'just let kisses happen' to you." Sully had already crossed the line, there was no point in trying to be diplomatic anymore. Somewhere along the way they had lost their ability to fight each other respectfully.

"All I ever did was love you, and ya couldn't even give me the time of day. I can't even understand why you're so upset… ya spent every moment tryin' to prove exactly how much ya didn't need me, how much more productive you were without me around botherin' ya. I couldn't hold ya for two second without ya pullin' away to run off and do somethin' more important!"

He was outside of his own body, watching the explosion of another man while the woman in front of this other person stared in shocked silence. There was no stopping himself, despite the train wreck he saw ahead. "You didn't wanna pay attention. I forgot what it felt like to spend time with someone who actually wanted t' spend time with me."

_But Catherine made you remember, didn't she? Catherine smiled and touched and exhibited such gratitude… she had been so willing; why couldn't the woman you loved be that willing? And so you let it happen, but you couldn't pretend it was her; and you __**are**__ sorry__;__ sorry she caught you__. __S__orry your moment of weakness was broadcasted for the __one p__erson you always tried to be so strong for to see._

"I didn't want it!" He shouted, trying to silence the voice in his head as well as convince Michaela, "I wanted you. That's all I ever wanted."

The words hung in the air between them, the only sounds that of Sully's heavy breathing intermingled with the wind in the trees, and the cheerful calls of distant animals who hadn't heard that the world was ending.

_**I have dragged you out into the night in **__**the vain hope of a moment's escape from the horrible solitude which overpowers me…**_

Her chin was held high and her eyes narrow, despite the tears on her cheeks. Sully knew she was most likely focusing so hard on appearing angry, she had yet to realize her body had already given her vulnerability away. Regret washed over him as he took note of her defensive stance, the way her arms rested akimbo on her tiny waist. It was meant to be threatening, but she looked so delicate.

Every sentence between them sparked an argument. He had started off apologetic, and ended by yelling at her. _You're projecting… You're furious she's the only one justified in being upset__,__ when you were hurting so long, and did nothing about it._ _Do you feel better now Byron Sully? Does it help knowing she knows what she did to you? How she made you feel?_

No, it didn't help. Her heart was breaking in front of him, and therefore his alongside it. "Michaela, I –

Michaela shook her head, and then opened her mouth to speak, only to think better of it. She pushed past him, eyes fixed firmly on the ground, and slammed the door definitively behind her. The sound cracked through the surrounding woods, and the animals, which such a short time ago had frolicked, sensed the new edge in the atmosphere and fell silent.

Sully turned away from the closed door and sat, dazed, on the porch steps. She would never forgive him, not after this. He wasn't sure he would ever be able to forgive himself. He was going to have to figure out a way to live without Michaela, he just didn't know where to begin when everything reminded him of her. She was everywhere; she had touched the reservation, the town, Colleen, Brian, Snowbird, Cloud Dancing… he could discern her presence remaining even on himself. Her touch remained in his hair, on his cheek, his lips, his clothes…his soul. No amount of washing could ever rid him of her.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of horse hooves pounding the well worn path with great speed; _what now?_

It only took a moment for the Reverend to come into view, "Is Dr. Mike home?" he questioned from atop his horse. Michaela swung the door open before Sully had a chance to reply. He studied her face closely; aside from a slight redness in her cheeks, the only indication as to her wounded state was the tension in her voice.

"What is it, Reverend?" She was overcompensating; in trying to hide her feelings, her voice was both higher and louder than it should have been. It was impossible for him not to notice. He couldn't turn off his sensitivity to her voice; he had tried.

"Sarah Warren's in labour. Jake and Dylan got her into the clinic, and Dorothy's sitting with her now, but –

"I'll get my bag."

In record time, Michaela was out in the barn tightening the last of the straps on Flash's saddle while Sully awkwardly did his best to stand out of her way. He had contemplated saddling Flash for her while she gathered her instruments, but he had left well enough alone. He was the last person she wanted help from. He didn't even know why he was still standing there; he just couldn't make himself leave without making some sort of offering… without knowing she would be okay.

"I'll keep an eye on the kids 'til ya get back." He volunteered.

"Do what you want, Sully." Michaela responded coolly as she gracefully swung herself into the saddle. She clicked her tongue and Flash shot forward; the Reverend followed close behind, and her scent remained on the wind.

_**Music I heard with you was more than music;**_

_**And bread I broke with you was more than bread;**_

_**Now that I am without you, all is desolate;**_

_**All that was once beautiful is dead.**_

_**Your hands once touched this table and this silver,**_

_**And I have seen your fingers hold this glass.**_

_**These things do not remember you beloved,**_

_**And yet your touch upon them will not pass.**_

* * *

It was well after midnight when Sully sat up in front of the fireplace, his light sleep disturbed by the sound of hooves. Michaela was home. He checked on the children once more, then grabbed his jacket and followed her into the barn. She had already turned the lanterns on and he entered slowly, doing his best to avoid startling her.

"How's Sarah?"

Michaela jumped, "She's doing fine. Resting comfortably at the clinic." She recovered from her scare and turned her back to him as she lifted the heavy saddle from Flash's back, "What are you doing here?"

"I told ya I would stay with the kids 'til you came back."

"Well, I'm back." She stated indifferently as she picked up the brush and began running it over her horse.

"Can we talk?"

"I was ready to talk earlier Sully. I tried to talk, you didn't want to listen."

Her back was still towards him as she focused all her energy on grooming her horse, and Sully felt the beginnings of irritation stirring within him once again. How could he be expected to talk to her when she wouldn't even look at him? Forgetting her current aversion to being touched, he tugged at her arm and was immediately thrown off by how vehemently she shook herself free. "Don't."

He took a step backwards, "I'm sorry."

"Leave me alone."

"I just wanna get this sorted." He pushed down his frustration, he hadn't gotten anywhere by raising his voice the last time. "I don't know how t' let ya go." He commented honestly, "I wish we could just talk about what's botherin' us… you used to be able to tell me what was botherin' ya. It was so easy."

"You've never been at the root of what was bothering me before." Her words found their mark as she watched him cringe, however the twinge of satisfaction that usually accompanied her victories refused to follow. Hurting him wasn't helping her anymore. Maybe she _was_ ready to try again. Maybe this time things would be different. After a brief hesitation Michaela continued. "I don't know how to do this."

"You can start by lookin' at me." Sully suggested.

She ran the brush across Flash a few times, biting her lip and trying hard to think of an accurate manner in which to describe the way she was feeling. She slowly removed the brush from flash's shining coat and turned to face him.

"You two kissed." She started softly, "You kissed, and you won't talk about it."

"Scabs don't heal if ya keep pickin' at 'em." Sully stated, doing his best to keep his voice compassionate. "Why can't we just move on?"

"And leave all of this unresolved? Sully you can't possibly believe that would work." Michaela scoffed.

"I believe that ya obsess over things… there ain't no way for me to win here, there ain't no way for anythin' good to come of discussin' it."

"I think you should let me decide that for myself."

"I think ya should let it go." Sully snapped, "Nothing ever happened between me and Catherine." It had been said before, but it didn't hurt to make sure she heard it again.

Michaela paused, debating on whether it was worth a fight to voice what she was thinking. _Everything in the open, even if it should be painful._ Her words to Dorothy from so long ago came back to her, and she knew what she had to do.

"If you're touching her, you're not touching me." she said quietly.

A puzzled frown crossed his face, "What are you gettin' at?"

"You were with her."

Sully's eyes narrowed into two cold slits, and he found himself growing angry despite his resolve not to. "What are you accusing me of?"

Michaela threw an exasperated arm up in the air, "That is **not** what I meant Sully! Honestly, sometimes I really wonder if you actually hear anything I say, or if you just misinterpret every word intentionally."

"Just say what you gotta say."

"If you were touching her... you weren't touching me." She repeated, clearly frustrated with her inability to put her thoughts into words he would understand, "We made a commitment to each other, it meant everything to me, and you broke it!" She couldn't make it any clearer than that. Her voice cracked, "By touching her, you were throwing what we had away. You were replacing _me_, hurting _me_."

Weeks of repressed emotion bubbled its way to the surface, and Michaela could feel her voice growing louder, her throat and eyes burned with the threat of tears. "Every time you touched _her_, you weren't touching _me_, you were slighting _me_ how are you not getting it?"

Sully shook his head, "This was a bad idea." he said more to himself than to Michaela. Their argument from hours before would not leave his mind. He couldn't chance causing that kind of damage again; staying here meant risking hurting her. "Neither of us is thinkin' straight right now, we ain't gonna solve this tonight." _She was so angry. He didn't remember her being such an angry person._

Michaela snorted in disbelief and rolled her eyes, "That's right Sully, leave. Run away from any and all of your problems." she raised her chin defiantly, "you're good at that."

"I ain't runnin' away!" he yelled back, "I'm tryin' to do the right thing. I stay here, I'm gonna say somethin' I don't mean, an' you're gonna say somethin' you don't mean, an' we'll just end up even worse off than before."

Michaela laughed. The sound was far from the beautiful, melodious, tinseling notes Sully realized he had come to take for granted. The bitter cynicism in her laugh cut sharper than the cold mountain air.

"And how, please do tell me Mr. Sully, do you imagine things could become any worse?" She snapped sharply, the underlying mockery clearly evident.

"Only cowards stay while traitors run… there's no winnin' with you Michaela; you make everything impossible."

"That is **not** true."

I ain't doin' this no more." Sully stated decisively. "When you're ready to talk come find me." He turned on his heel and exited the barn.

"I _am_ talking!" she shouted, hating herself as she realized she had again lost the battle against her tears. "I'm trying to talk, you just don't listen! You hear what I'm saying but you're never listening!" Blind rage coursed through her veins, and her blood ran hot. She gave an angry cry of frustration as her hand flew back on its own accord and heaved the horse brush through the barn door in his general direction. Before she could even process what she had just done, she watched in horror as the brush connected solidly with the side of Sully's head hard enough to knock him off his feet.

Her hand flew to cover her mouth as it formed a surprised, "O," the shock and disbelief in her wide eyed stare remaining even after she began running towards him. _What had she done_?

Sully shook his head and winced. He placed a hand where it hurt the worst near his temple and was shocked when he made contact with a wet, sticky substance. He couldn't quite take in the fact that Michaela had thrown something… he paused, actually, that part wasn't too hard to believe. What he couldn't take in was the fact that she had thrown something at _him_, with enough force to apparently make him bleed.

Michaela slid to a stop beside him. From the look on her face, Sully could safely assume she was just as surprised by her behaviour as he was. He began to stand, but Michaela pushed him back down, concern beginning to replace the shock on her face.

"No Sully, don't get up. I need to look at that."

"I think ya done enough Dr. Mike." Sully commented dryly, a humourless half smile on his lips.

Michaela looked down and found herself once again blinking back tears, she turned her glassy eyes back to Sully and looked at him sincerely, "Sully, I am so sorry, so very sorry, I don't know…" she choked, her voice and expression wracked with guilt. "Stay right here, I'm going to go get my medical bag… don't move."

He grabbed her arm as she began to rise, "Don't worry about it, I ain't gonna die."

Michaela shook her head, "You might need stitches." her clinical voice took charge as she leaned in to better inspect the wound.

She shook her head in disbelief, "I can't believe I did that."

Her eyes took on a far away expression; Sully could only imagine what she was thinking. She suddenly snapped her attention back to the present.

"Perhaps it would be best if you came inside with me. The lighting's better. Can you stand?"

Sully easily stood up, ignoring the hand Michaela offered to him. Michaela brushed off the slight and strode quickly towards the house. She motioned for Sully to sit at the table and busied herself gathering her medical bag, a few clean cloths, and some fresh water.

As guilty as Michaela felt, she couldn't help but hold a certain amount of gratitude for the opportunity to escape herself and hide behind the doctor in her. She much preferred this side of herself, the smart, confident Michaela Quinn who knew the answers to almost everything; the Michaela Quinn who knew better than to let any man affect her so deeply. She dipped the cloth in the bowl of water and her brow furrowed in concentration as she turned Sully's head to the side and began to clean the blood away. A heavy silence filled the room as they both sat pensively; miles upon miles apart despite the fact that they sat right beside one another; the way they had been for weeks.

Michaela dipped the cloth in the water again and pressed as gently as she could against the wound, but her tender touch was still not enough; her hand reflexively jerked away as Sully flinched. She met his gaze and mumbled an apology before returning her attention back to her work. The silence resumed its place in the air, and Michaela blushed as she felt Sully's eyes upon her as she poured disinfectant on another cloth.

She gave him a small, apologetic smile as she raised the cloth, "This is going to sting."

Sully gave an indifferent shrug, but Michaela watched his body stiffen in anticipation. After she finished, she looked at the gash and sighed, a part of her had known from the beginning, still, she had been hoping…

"It's going to need stitches." She sighed again, "I'm going to use the finest thread I have, it won't scar, with time there will be no indication it ever happened."

"Except it did. I'd never've suspected ya had such a good arm."

Michaela turned red, but didn't respond. She readied the thread.

"It ain't just gonna go away 'cause you won't talk about it." Sully tried again.

Michaela's hands paused and her eyes flashed briefly, "A lot of good it's going to do now Sully." she snapped, a little more loudly than she intended. Remorse flooded her expression almost immediately, and they both glanced anxiously in the direction of the bedroom; ears keen for signs of consciousness. Colleen and Brian slept on.

Michaela glared at him, frustrated with herself for continuing to let him get to her and appalled by the apparent lack of self control she was exhibiting tonight. "Just sit quietly and hold still."

She felt his jaw harden as his mouth clamped shut. She replayed what had happened in her mind over and over again with every tiny stitch she carefully put in place, and she couldn't recall ever being more ashamed.

With the last stitch secured, Michaela began to speak briskly, "I need you to -

She paused, interrupting herself. That sounded demanding; she had never been in less of a position to be demanding than right now. Besides, wasn't that part of the reason Sully had turned to Catherine? She was too busy, too controlling, too incapable of adhering to spontaneity; too incapable of throwing caution to the wind and allowing someone else to hold the reins every now and then.

"It would be in your best interests to try and ensure the stitches stay as dry as possible for about a week." she amended softly, but firmly. "Also try to sleep on your left side. The less the wound is disturbed the less susceptible it will be to infection."

She looked at his hair, and absently tucked the few strands resting near the inflamed area securely behind his ear. Her hands still entangled in his locks, she looked in his eyes, meeting the pieces of blue fire that had once been able to read her so well. There had been a time not so long ago she had feared that gaze, feared the penetrating stare that could see everything she wasn't ready to show him, the piercing eyes which left her naked and vulnerable. Tonight, for the first time she welcomed it. So much had happened, but if she could look into his eyes, if she could look into his eyes and meet that same searching stare, perhaps things would be okay. Perhaps she could show him everything she couldn't put into words. Perhaps he could search, and find all the answers she had never been able to give him.

The moments passed, and it took everything in her not to look away as she was hit with the full intensity of his gaze. _He was trying so hard_. The thought saddened her immensely, and Michaela found herself again on the verge of tears. He had never had to try at all before. He had known her almost better than she had known herself. Everything was ruined, she had been kidding herself; nothing would ever be okay between them again.

She sighed, she had apologized so many times, but it didn't feel like nearly enough. She squirmed as she fought to find the right words to explain.

"I honestly didn't mean for this to happen."

Sully said nothing, but waited for her to continue. "I was frustrated…and angry…and I know that nothing can excuse what I did but…"

She trailed off and sighed again, looking down at her hands while nervously wringing them together. She looked up again, her eyes bright and earnest, begging him to understand. "I just wanted you to listen."

"I'm listening now."

Michaela shook her head, "It's too late Sully. It's far too late."

She cast her eyes downwards, focusing on the table in an effort to compose herself. This was becoming ridiculous, it seemed lately she was always either crying, or trying not to cry, and she was sick of both. She was tired of being in tears, tired of fighting tears…tired of fighting. She bit her lip.

Sully placed a finger under her chin and slowly tilted her head until she was once again eye level with him, a solitary tear fell towards her mouth. He wiped it away with the pad of his thumb and gently cupped her cheek. Michaela closed her eyes and leaned into his touch against her better judgment.

"Oh Michaela." Sully sighed with a sad smile, "What's happened to us?"

Michaela lost the last bit of composure she had been so fiercely hanging on to and immediately burst into tears. Sully gathered her in his arms and she collapsed against his chest and cried. Each sob tore at Sully's heart; it was hard enough seeing her in pain and being unable to do anything about it, it was even worse knowing he was the one who had caused her pain in the first place.

"Shhh." He comforted. "Everything's gonna be alright. I'm sorry."

"No it's not." she choked out, her words barely decipherable through her sobs. "Nothing will ever be alright for us again."

"Sure it will. We just had a fight, that's all that happened. We always fight." He tried to joke. Michaela only cried harder.

"You were my best friend. I never had a best friend…" The rest of her sentence was lost, inaudible through her tears and muffled into his soaked shirt. Sully could do nothing but rock her steadily in his firm embrace. He still hadn't quite taken in her rapid shift from rage to tears. Something was horribly wrong… and it was very possible it couldn't be fixed. What her words had failed to get through to him, her actions had. Michaela Quinn was many things; hysterical was not one of them.

Eventually, Sully felt a gradual shift in her flood of tears, until all that remained of her heart wrenching sobs was the occasional sniffle. Half an hour later, Sully could feel the steady rise and fall of her chest against his, and the soft puffs of air she sent blowing onto his arms told him she had quite literally cried herself to sleep. Already cradled against his chest, Sully easily lifted her into his arms and carried her to her bed. His heart broke even further as he took in the pallor of her skin against the stark white sheets; there was hardly any contrast. Her swollen, pink eyelids and red cheeks were testament to her earlier crying jag, and he had never seen her look so small, so drained. He would much prefer to see her angry than in the state she was in now. He wondered how they had strayed so far…he couldn't even begin to think of where to start in order to repair all the damage that had been done. There was no denying anymore that they had fallen apart. What had once been a minor crack in their relationship had somehow turned into a chasm of epic proportions. One day they had been best friends…more. Then the next day the gap between them suddenly appeared so far Sully had to wonder if they could ever possibly find each other again.

He heard a soft yawn and turned to see Brian sitting up in bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Sully?"

"Shh." he put a finger to his lips, and took one last lingering look at Michaela before crouching down beside Brian's bed.

"What's the matter Brian?"

"Whatcha doin'?"

Sully paused a moment before answering, "Just checkin' on things one last time 'fore I left."

"Oh."

Sully tussled Brian's hair before beginning to stand up. "Goodnight Brian."

"Wait." Brian called as he tugged on Sully's arm. Sully sat down on the edge of the bed and couldn't help but give Brian a small smile, "What is it?"

"Could ya tell me a story?"

"Brian…" Sully started, shaking his head.

"Please Sully?" Brian begged, giving Sully that wide eyed, pleading stare he had never quite figured out how to refuse.

"Brian, it's way past your bedtime, and ya got school t'morrow."

"Aww come on Sully, just one story won't hurt nothin'!"

Sully sighed, Michaela was right, Brian could pretty much talk him into anything; he couldn't win an argument around here. "Only if ya promise t' go to sleep after."

Brian grinned, "I promise." he stated eagerly.

Sully donned a mock serious expression, "An' if Dr. Mike wakes up and wants ta know what we're doin', I'm blamin' the whole thing on you, ya hear?"

Brian only grinned wider, "Yes sir!"

Sully laughed and Brian climbed onto his lap. "What kinda story do ya want?"

Brian was quiet for a moment as he put some serious thought into the question, "Make one up for me about the Cheyenne."

"Okay." Sully absently stroked the blonde locks on Brian's head. "There was once a Cheyenne Brave who -

"What was his name?" Brian interrupted.

Sully rolled his eyes, "I don't know Brian, why don't ya give him a name."

"Let's name him Byron."

"Brian," Sully groaned, but before he could continue his protest Brian interrupted him again.

"Go on Sully, keep tellin' the story."

He shook his head and chuckled, "Alright. There was once a Cheyenne Brave -

"Named Byron." Brian inserted.

"Right. There was once a Cheyenne Brave named Byron who fell deeply in love with a woman from another tribe -

"Who's name was Mike."

"Mike ain't a Cheyenne name Brian."

"Neither is Byron." Brian countered indignantly.

Sully shrugged; fair enough. "Fine. Mike was a Pawnee Indian, and the most beautiful woman in her tribe. From the first time Byron saw her -

"He knew he loved her." Brian continued. He snuggled closer against Sully, nestling his head in the crook of his shoulder. Closing his eyes Brian carried on, "An' she loved Byron too, except 'cause they were from different kinds of people some folks didn't like 'em together, but they didn't care."

Sully smiled. He doubted Brian realized how many stories he actually more or less told himself; there wasn't a soul alive with an imagination to match that of the little boy. Sully suspected the comfort for Brian lay more in being held than having any story recited to him. Subconsciously acting in accordance with his thoughts, he hugged Brian closer and gently kissed the top of his head as the child continued to fight sleep.

"The kids in the village liked havin' Byron around, 'cause sometimes he could get Mike to let them do things she'd never let them do if they just asked alone." Brian mumbled, more drowsy than before, "And Byron didn't hate bein' around other people so much if Mike was there with him."

Sully had to bite on his lip to keep from laughing out loud. Only a child could unwittingly state something so bluntly. Sully thought back to earlier that evening when he had found Brian sulking in the barn after Michaela left, clearly displeased with the way his interruption had been received by the adults. Brian had forgiven him almost instantaneously, and Sully wished, not for the first time, that adults could approach situations with the same, clear, simple minds that children did. The ability to hold a grudge, the deliberation and effort it took to stay angry with other people seemed to only develop with adulthood. Childhood squabbles were of a simpler nature, and the most serious of offenses were usually forgiven and forgotten within the day. It had finally dawned on Sully that this was about more than a kiss, and he was well aware that it was not only naïve, but also unrealistic of him to expect on any level for Michaela to simply forgive and forget. Yet despite this, he couldn't keep at bay the nostalgia for the uncomplicated lives of children like the one he was now holding so close to him.

Across the room, Michaela observed the two of them through the thin gap between her eyelids; still feigning sleep. The motion of Sully lifting her had jarred her from her temporary slumber, but, embarrassed, she had allowed the charade to continue until Brian thankfully diverted attention away from her.

One lone tear fell down her cheek as she watched the son she adored, and the man she wished more than anything she could simply forget. If only he had never come to Boston.

* * *

_aaaaand that's second to last! The final chapter will be up by tomorrow afternoon. Let me know what you think! _


	8. Chapter 8

Their Story

Chapter 8

"_You'__re just leaving?!"_

"_I got nothing to stay for." bitter resignation echoed through his tone. He refused to fight an__ymore, he was quitting; enough was enough. Hold on to something long enough and you forget how to let go… he would let go. He would let go if it killed him._

"_Without even saying goodbye?"_

_a pause, "Goodbye."_

_She was exasperated despite somehow feeling as if her heart were being ripped from her chest, she couldn't withhold the impatient tone from her voice, "Why did you even come here?"_

"_What do you care?"_

"_I care!" Just answer the question!_

"_Well you sure didn't__ look like it back there at that meeting!" So much for letting go. He was fighting again, and the way he was feeling right now he__'__d be damned if he left without telling her what he was feeling; anger towards her for falling for that doctor__'__s charm, anger towards her for being willfully blind to his feelings for her, anger towards himself for being too coward to tell her…_

"_I asked you a question." She surprised him by not taking the bait, by not fighting back. She would not be deferred. She had come for answers._

"_Why did I come?"_

"_Yes, why?"_

"_Because."_

"_Because…?" She pushed._

_Why not? He had nothing left to lose. "Because I love you."_

_She stood with her mouth agape; he loved her. Perhaps she had always known on some level, just as she had known she loved him for some time now, but putting it into words…_

_Who knew how long she would have stood there, incapable of forming thoughts, incapable of doing anything other than openly staring into the sincere, impassioned blue eyes staring back at her, were it not for the sudden lurch of the train._

_The children._

_She pushed herself away from his embrace and ran as hard as she could. Outside, leaning against the fancy brick of the train station, she sobbed heavily as she realized she had just thrown away her one chance to tell him she felt the same way. He would never know how she felt; he would never give her the opportunity to explain to him why she had to run. He had just quite literally ridden out of her life forever._

* * *

Michaela awoke with a start, _she had to tell him_. The initial panicked thought raced through her brain despite herself, and she fought hard to control her erratic heartbeat. Adrenaline surged through her as she attempted to gather her thoughts; she wasn't in Boston, she was safe and warm in her bed, at home in Colorado Springs. She winced and brought a hand up to cradle her forehead; she was safe and warm at home in Colorado Springs, with what was quite possibly the largest headache she had ever experienced within her lifetime.

With a small groan, Michaela sank back into the pillows and sighed. For a while she had felt the heartache she had experienced in Boston as acutely as if she had traveled back in time to relive it.

Her dream had reminded her that Sully loved her, or rather, had once loved her…did love her? Michaela frowned slightly as she struggled to decide which one it was. _Did._ She decided definitively. He still loved her, of that she was almost sure… the only problem was, she now realized that quite often love just wasn't enough. The passion and sincerity in his expression still fresh in her mind, she longed to regain what had been lost between them, however she knew that it wasn't a possibility; it couldn't be. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice…

Nevertheless, she also knew there was no realistic way she could ever cut Sully out of her life; they had shared too much as friends long before they became more. Besides, there was more than just herself to consider, there was Matthew, Colleen and Brian to consider as well; in many ways Sully was as much a part of their lives as she was.

No, they needed to resolve whatever this, this _thing_ was between them so that they could begin to find their way once more. He had hurt her, but she realized now that she still needed his companionship, his support; in short, she still needed her best friend.

Michaela groaned again, this time more out of an anticipation of what she was going to have to do than in pain from her headache. They hadn't had a civilized conversation since Catherine left; somehow, exceeding two minutes together triggered the antagonist in both of them.

_No more._ She decided. This wasn't going to end unless they both started acting like adults and owning up to the parts they played in what happened. Blaming had done precious little for them, and it was long past time they gave it up.

Michaela absorbed the warmth of the sun on her skin and savoured the encompassing tranquility the light brought to her through her closed eyelids. Now over the initial shock and panic induced by her vivid dream, Michaela found herself able to relax; and she was surprised to discover she somehow felt more refreshed, composed and peaceful than she had in the last weeks. The birds chirped cheerfully outside the homestead, and she inhaled the crisp, heady scent of the mountain breeze as it wafted through the open window. Perhaps, all this time, what she had needed most was a plan that involved more than just cowering until the worst blew over.

She pushed back the comforter and ambled into the kitchen, putting the kettle on and fumbling around for a mug. She could hear the distant shouts of Matthew, Colleen and Brian in the midst of some sort of ball game, and it was only in that moment she realized exactly how late she had slept. Michaela smiled to herself, envisioning the hushed argument that most likely took place earlier when Brian would have tried to wake her up; in all probability, it ultimately resulted in him being dragged outside by his elder siblings. She was so blessed. There was just one place she needed to go before attempting to find Sully, and as soon as she finished her tea she would get dressed, say her goodbyes to the children, and finish finding her way.

* * *

Sully awoke drenched in sweat and completely disoriented. He sat up slowly, squinting against the light, unable to remember the last time he had slept so late; it was no wonder he had a headache. Trying to ignore the pain in his head, he got a fire going and fixed some Willow Bark tea. It only took a few sips for the pounding behind his eyes to recede, and he settled back with relief.

It had been a long time since he had dreamed of Boston; he had all but forgotten the heart stopping panic he had felt when he believed he had seen Michaela for the last time. The entire journey home from Boston had been spent reliving the past year and a half of his life, reflecting on how much it had changed for the better since Michaela Quinn walked into it. Then he had been forced to tackle the more difficult train of thought; how he was supposed to live his life now that she had walked back out.

Following their fight outside the lecture hall, Sully had gotten on the train without a second thought. He had lost her, and he was no glutton for punishment. If she was going to stay with William in Boston, he needed to be as far away from Boston as possible. He needed to go back to Colorado Springs immediately. But then she had shown up on the train and thrown him completely off guard once again. He couldn't think when she badgered him the way she had… it was always so difficult for him to think in her presence, and eventually he had blurted his confession. He had told her he loved her; and then she had taken flight like a frightened deer.

The dream had reminded him of how bleak the prospect of a world without Michaela had been, and how quickly things had turned when he saw her step off that stagecoach back in Colorado Springs where she belonged. He would fight for her again, because it was always worth it.

The tea eased the last of the tension from the base of his neck, and Sully suddenly knew where he had to be.

* * *

Sully reached the summit of his fortress and was startled, although somehow, not altogether surprised by the tiny figure already lying on the peak. Michaela lay flat on her back in the grass with her arms entwined behind her head for support. She looked so serene and peaceful, he felt like an intruder in his own space; as if he were committing some horrendous sin by observing her uninvited in as natural and free a position as he had ever seen her.

He cleared his throat and took a small step forward. Instead of scrambling to a more proper sitting position upon hearing his approach wearing that embarrassed, flushed expression he was so accustomed to seeing, Michaela rolled languidly onto her stomach and propped herself up on her elbows, gazing at him intently.

Sully stared back, trying desperately to gain an idea of what was going through her head. He had never seen her look so calm, so at ease, so comfortable in her own skin. He shook his head, no, that wasn't quite right. The moment dragged on, and Sully finally grasped on to the missing piece. Dr. Mike was comfortable in her skin, Dr. Mike was confident, Dr. Mike was beautiful, headstrong, and knew the answer to every question. Michaela Quinn was the vulnerable, skittish woman who blushed at every prolonged look, every kiss. Michaela Quinn was the girl who still found herself on the outside at the parties, the girl who was awkward in social settings. Michaela Quinn was jumpy and uncomfortable in her role in their relationship… what used to be their relationship; and now, for the first time, Michaela Quinn was openly staring at him without so much as fidgeting or biting her lip.

Sully took another cautious step towards her, afraid that at any moment she would leap up and run away, or worse yet; stay, and leave him to watch her disappear into herself as she had so many times before.

Michaela seemed to sense his apprehension, and a short laugh escaped before she bit her lips together, suppressing any further proof of merriment in what she recognized as anything but an amusing situation for Sully.

"You needn't look so frightened Sully."

She smiled warmly, yet there was a hint of…sadness? No. Resignation?…no, that wasn't it either. Michaela continued speaking, unaware of the tentative battle of adjectives waging in Sully's mind. "I'm not going to dash off if you come closer. After all, this was your place first."

Sully's shoulder's relaxed and he approached her with more ease. Once Michaela saw he was indeed going to come closer she returned to her original position, gazing up at the expanse of the sky. Sully sat down beside her, then paused when she didn't even fleetingly shift her gaze from the massive billowing clouds listlessly drifting by. After another moment's hesitation, he slowly stretched himself out on the ground beside her, making sure to keep a safe, comfortable distance between the two of them.

_**And still each of us is alone; side by side but alone**_**.**

Except now it appeared only Sully was alone. Still lost, still stumbling around in the dark hoping to eventually happen upon a lamp, a candle, a match. Michaela had apparently found her centre, and being alone in his loneliness all of a sudden seemed more than he could bear.

"What're you doin' here?" he asked cautiously.

"Well," she started, "You told me once this is where you come when you lose your way…I think it's safe to say I was most definitely lost for awhile."

"And now?"

"Now?" she shrugged. "Now I've experienced for myself the magnitude of good that being up here can do. It's absolutely extraordinary."

She turned her head to face him, "And you Sully, what brings you here?" She enquired curiously.

To Sully it appeared clear she already knew the answer, yet she seemed in need of hearing the words; he gave them to her. "I reckon it's about time I found my way too."

Michaela closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, revelling in the scent of the air and the feeling of the long grass tickling her cheeks. The wind swirled around her, alternatively blowing her hair on and off her face. Recognizing that she was in no hurry to speak, Sully took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and did the same. Half an hour passed with their private, respectful silences before Michaela suddenly opened her eyes and rolled onto her side to face him. Sensing her movement, Sully too opened his eyes and turned in her direction.

For the first time that evening, he watched her confident, self assured air falter for a moment as a slight uncertainty took its place. Reluctant to see this new side of her vanish, Sully was about to speak when Michaela sat up slowly, hugging her knees tightly to her chest. She looked over the landscape; completely breath taken as always by the endless rolling green hills, the large leafy trees, and a sky so big she was utterly lost in it. She began speaking almost distractedly as she continued to take in the view.

"I _was_ jealous at first." She admitted quietly.

Sully wisely remained silent.

"I was jealous of her, and of how you could share something with her you could never share with me. The things you've always had to stop and explain to me, she already knew and understood."

"Michaela just 'cause we understood each other an' spoke the same language don't mean-

"Sully." Michaela cut him off, and turned her head to look at him, "please just let me finish." she pleaded. "I don't want to fight with you, I am so tired of us fighting all the time. I can't do it, I'm done. I only wish for us to tell each other how we felt. Right here, right now. No more yelling, no more accusations, no more excuses, no more defensive insults…" her voice trailed off and she gave him a wry smile, "No more throwing horse brushes." Her smile widened as he chuckled. It felt so good to be able to laugh together.

She looked deep into his eyes and her expression was suddenly as solemn and sincere as he had ever seen it, "The gloves are off Sully; just the truth. I think we owe each other that much."

Sully nodded and sat up in order to better see her face. He reached his hand out to touch her, and somehow it still stung when she drew away. There were some hurts one could never get used to. She sent him a sad, apologetic smile before resting her chin atop her knees and hugging herself even more tightly together. Her eyes were once again on the scenery.

_**Whatever we may do or attempt, despite the embrace and transports of love, the hunger of the lips, we are always alone.**_

"I'm listenin'."

Although she didn't turn back to face him, he still saw the flash of gratitude in her eyes before the distracted expression once again took hold.

"It made me jealous to see how naturally the two of you fit together, and I was angry with you for not being able to see how much it bothered me, how awkward it made me feel. I felt like the third wheel in my own relationship… and I hated you for it almost as much as I hated myself for feeling the way I did."

Sully winced, but didn't interrupt.

"I think I tried to pull away from you before you had a chance to pull away from me…maybe I thought it would hurt less…" she shrugged, "either way, I was in the wrong. Pain is pain, and it doesn't matter who pulls away first. I apologize."

"I didn't know what to do." Sully stated. "You were always busy, and when ya weren't y'always seemed mad at me for some reason, I couldn't figure it out."

"Sully, I love being a doctor, it's who I am…I don't know what I am outside of medicine. Before Catherine I always thought you understood that it was the one part of my life in which I could be completely confident."

"You mean the one parta your life ya could completely control."

Michaela's blush belied the truth in his statement. "I would never try to change the doctor in ya, but bein' busy an' bein' a doctor ain't the same thing as hiding behind bein' busy an' bein' a doctor. It ain't fightin' fair."

"Walking away 'ain't' fighting fairly either." she retorted more harshly than she had intended, however, Sully didn't take offense.

"I thought we weren't allowed ta get defensive?" he asked with an indulgent smile. She had the decency to look abashed, "Sorry."

"I shouldn't have walked away; that's somethin' I need t' work on. I don't really think either of us are so good at handlin' bein' upset."

Michaela smiled nostalgically, "No, but there was a time when we at least tried."

"Michaela, Catherine meant nothin' to me, not like you."

The smile disappeared from Michaela's face and she turned to face him again, "Seeing you kiss her was the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. I had been jealous, I'll admit that, but you kissing her _hurt. _It hurt like nothing I've ever felt before. And the way you brushed it off made things even worse. I know to you it didn't seem like I was giving anything of myself, but I was giving all that I could. I wanted to be able to give you more, to trust you more but I didn't know _how _Sully, I didn't know how to make myself." she sighed, "And then I became angry again, angry at you for not acknowledging how colossal an issue it was, and angry at myself for ever letting you get close enough to have that effect on me, and the angrier I was the less it hurt…" she trailed off as she realized she was rambling. "Staying angry was the only way I could keep myself from falling apart." She stated succinctly.

"I guess most of the time when one of us is yellin' about somethin', there's somethin' else botherin' us even more that we ain't yellin' so loud about."

Michaela nodded her head silently in agreement, "It's too hard." she stated, "Loving you is too hard."

_Loving you is too hard. Is. Present tense. Wonderful, marvellous present tense._

"You still love me?"

"Of course I do… I can't seem to help it, lord knows I've tried." she fidgeted with a blade of grass, her head bent down in concentration.

"Does this mean -

"I love you Sully -

"I love you too." He rushed in.

She gave him a slight smile, "I love you, but it's not enough." she shook her head as he opened his mouth to protest. "Sully, we went into this blind, and nothing good came of it. Love isn't enough to make everything work out. This isn't some story book, no one lives happily ever after, and we've proven to ourselves that we are clearly incapable of handling conflict."

"Michaela -

"Sully tell me honestly, were we more comfortable before, or after Boston?"

His hesitation was all she needed to confirm the answer. "Exactly." She took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes, "I just want my best friend back."

"What's comfortable ain't always what's better. Boston was comfortable for ya… livin' your life is all about taking risks; like the ones ya took when you came here."

"It's not the same."

"It _is_ the same." he insisted passionately, "And maybe things have been different, but I'd take bein' miserable with ya over bein' miserable without you any day."

Sully saw the slight over brightness of her eyes, but her voice continued on strong.

"I'm sorry Sully." Michaela stated wistfully, "Trying to get over you, that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do." she paused, trying to choose her words carefully, "I want us to be friends again, I want to be able to talk to you, I want the children to stop suffering, feeling guilty for loving us both…" her voice trailed off, then she shook her head, snapping herself back to attention, "I survived what we went through once, I don't think I could manage doing that all again. I can't… it still hurts too bad…it hurts right now."

"Ya think I ain't hurtin'?" He raised his voice suddenly.

Michaela winced, "Sully -

"No!" he interrupted, "I know you said no yellin' but I can't sit here an' listen to ya talk so calm about quittin', I need to say this."

Michaela opened her mouth, then swiftly closed it again and leaned back on her hands.

"We courted for weeks, and maybe we didn't feel as close as we'd been but I didn't move, **you** did. Even before Catherine, Ya moved and I couldn't pull ya back or get out to ya. You told me ya loved me, and then ya drew further away from me than you ever had...you were quiet and shy, things Dr. Mike had never been around me before…it was like ya were playing some game and I was expected to play too 'cept I couldn't figure out the rules."

Sadness and remorse flooded her expression, "Is that what you thought?" off his nod she continued, "Oh Sully, I never meant to play games. I was just so scared…I hated feeling like I needed you… the fact that I'd come to depend on you so much frightened me."

"Why couldn't ya just tell me?" The confusion, and slight irritation, was evident in his tone.

"I didn't want to admit it. I thought everything would just sort itself out." She looked into his eyes and saw him searching her soul for that last piece she wasn't telling him. Michaela sighed and phrased it as best as she knew how. "I couldn't seem to stop myself from putting a wall up, no matter how hard I tried. My heart was pulling me in one direction, and my head in another, and my head kept winning."

"Why was it ya couldn't just trust me?"

"I did trust you Sully. I trusted you more than I've ever trusted anyone, except maybe my father. How many times did I cry in front of you? Let you hold me? I trusted you."

Sully shook his head, "Bits and pieces."

"And yet, look what happened."

Although she spoke softly, Michaela's words once again cut Sully to the quick.

"Michaela let it go! For the last time, it didn't mean nothin'. How're we supposed to move past this if ya won't stop hangin' on and bringin' it up every two seconds? I pulled away before I even knew you were standin' there."

"Because you felt guilty."

"Of course I felt guilty!"

"You had time to pull away before Sully, you knew what was going to happen and you didn't do anything to stop it. A part of you wanted it to happen. You were looking for something in her you hadn't been able to find in me, something I couldn't give you, and it hurts knowing that I'm that easy to replace."

"Michaela," he started, running a hand exasperatedly through his hair, "I'm sorry! There ain't nothin' else I can say. I wish to God it never happened, I wish I hadn't hurt you, but it did…and I did." Overwhelmed with the feeling that this was one of his last chances to make her really know how he felt, he grabbed her arm, the urgency he was feeling apparent in both his body language and expression, "I made a mistake, I was wrong, and I'm sorry."

Michaela gave him a soft, sad smile and gently lad her hand atop his. He loosened his desperate grip as he suddenly become aware of what he had done. "I believe you… I know that now."

Sully instantly lost his fighting stance, "What?"

"That's the first time you've apologized without making an excuse or shifting the blame immediately to me. This was in no way all your fault Sully; I had my part to play in this as well… I think I just needed for you to own up to yours."

Sully smiled and began to relax slightly. Turning away from her, he gazed up at the clouds that had so recently captured her attention, "I say stupid things when I feel backed into a corner."

Michaela openly laughed, "We both do."

"I got defensive before 'cause I already felt guilty."

Michaela wordlessly accepted this and touched his arm, forcing him to look at her. She leaned in and hesitated for only the briefest of moments before pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. "Now I can let go."

Sully grinned at her, "Me too."

Michaela offered him her hand, "Friends?"

Instead of shaking it, he brought her hand up to his mouth and gently kissed her delicate fingers. "Always. Maybe someday -

Michaela brought a finger to his lips, "One day at a time."

They stared at each other a few moments more, a sense of peace and closer finally enveloping them. They would be okay.

"Goodbye Sully." Michaela said as she stood, believing Sully would, in all likeliness, appreciate a little time to reflect on his own. It was only fair; after all, she had been lying on the mountain top almost two hours before he showed up. She smiled, waved, and disappeared down the mountain without a second glance backward.

"Dr. Mike!" Sully called, but it was too late, she had already moved beyond hearing distance. He stopped and reflected on how easily she had slipped back to "Dr. Mike" in his mind. He wondered how the name could feel so familiar, and yet so foreign and wrong on his tongue at the same time. Where were they now? Sully knew he could never be satisfied calling her Dr. Mike again; not after everything they had been through. He wanted Michaela. He needed her. With this revelation, he sprang up from his position on the grass and tore through the underbrush after her.

* * *

Sully continued to shout after her, and Michaela turned around just in time to see him burst through the brush behind her. He crashed into her and barely managed to grab hold of her arms as she began to fall.

"Sully, what…?"

His grip tightened on her upper arms, "Michaela I ain't lettin' you do this."

"Sully -

"I walked away from you once and it was the worst mistake I ever made, and I ain't lettin' it happen twice."

"Sully really -

"I'm comin' after ya just like I shoulda been smart enough to do the first time."

"Sully I wasn't trying to play with your mind, it wasn't some kind of test. I said what I said because I meant it, not because I was expecting you to stay."

He looked deep into her eyes, "I shoulda." he repeated.

Michaela started to look at the ground, but he refused to let her. Not again… they were never going back to that place again. Shifting his weight, he brought her attention back up to his face. "Whether you wanted me to or not, I shoulda spent every moment makin' sure ya knew how much ya meant to me… mean to me."

"No." She shook her head and wrenched her arms free from his grip, "I can't…" her voice cracked and her eyes welled up with tears. "You can't go back, you can't just start over… I feel as if it's hanging above me, and I try to bury it and it -

Sully touched her arm in an effort to still her movement, then gently tilted her chin upwards, "Michaela, I want you to look at me."

She laughed nervously, "Really Sully…" she scoffed.

"Look at me." He insisted.

She finally raised her gaze, and he took her hand as he solemnly looked straight into her brown green eyes. "I will never hurt you like that again. Never. I love you. I love _**you**_."

Michaela let out a tiny sob, and he could almost see her head waging war against her heart.

"Sully you're making this even more difficult. These last few days…I don't want us to ever go back there."

"I ain't tryin' to make things difficult... I just feel…nothin' important ever comes easy right? Ya gotta risk somethin' to get somethin…'" His voice trailed off as he felt himself talking in circles. He cupped her cheek in his hand and silently begged her to simply see everything he couldn't say.

_**I have dragged you out into the night in the vain hope**__…_

The familiar shiver ran through her at his touch as she felt the raw power of the feelings coursing between the two of them. She watched him frown and run a hand through his hair in frustration. Without waiting for him to continue Michaela leaned her head against his chest and closed her eyes. She breathed in his scent, and felt the same security in his embrace he never failed to offer. It would be so easy to give in…and she was so torn. Her mind was a filing cabinet, and as soon as she had it all organized to her liking, Sully opened a window and sent things blowing into chaos.

Michaela knew what she wanted, more than anything she would have loved to throw herself into Sully's arms and fearlessly believe everything would be okay, however, the stakes were so high; she would never recover…

Her heart warmed to the comfort of two hearts beating in time, then it stopped entirely as the kiss flashed before her eyes again and again. Catherine's lips on Sully's, Sully pulling away… Sully pulling away.

Sully pulling away.

Her thoughts trailed off as it seemed to finally click in Michaela's head exactly whom she was thinking of; Sully. Her Sully. The most honest, honour upholding man she knew…a man who had made a mistake, and sincerely regretted it. Sully had made a mistake. A mistake. Could she honestly see it ever occurring again? Even her head had to agree it was far from likely. To err was human…

She thought of the kiss and forced herself to see it as she had that day; like yesterday, and yet so long ago at the same time. _Space between bodies growing smaller… the slow motioned tilting of their heads letting her see they were moments away from…_

Sully had allowed the kiss to happen, regardless of whether it had been passively or otherwise. Sully had been wrong, Sully had hurt her… but Sully had pulled away. She allowed her mind to reflect upon the single detail she hadn't obsessed on. She had played the kiss in her mind countless times, reopening the wound over and over again, but she had never again thought of what occurred after. The furrow of Sully's brow… the slight grimace which overtook his face as he broke away.

They had both punished themselves enough; it was long over. Heart finally triumphed over mind as an entirely new lightness of being filled her. The clouds were finally beginning to clear.

Raising her head, Michaela's eyes bore into Sully's; searching the depths of his being as he had done to her so many times before. She seemed satisfied with what she saw, and she found the last bit of courage she needed in the still eyes before her. Michaela slowly raised herself up on her tiptoes to place a gentle, light kiss on his lips.

Sully didn't even dare to breathe as he felt her lips press ever so softly again his own; terrified that the slightest movement on his part would scare her away. _Was this __the sign of a new beginning__, or a__ final__ goodbye?_

Michaela stood back on her feet and watched him intently. All she saw was love, and she would no longer be afraid… she would never let fear ruin her life again. She would fight against its destructive power. With this resolve firmly in mind, Michaela leaned up once again and claimed Sully's lips in a much less passive kiss.

Sully eagerly responded, and when she pulled away, his eyes were cloudy with passion. They stared at each other for a few moments longer, as if they were seeing the other through new eyes and not quite sure how to begin; then Michaela wordlessly began to walk away.

Sully's heart contracted painfully in his chest as he watched her go, and he fought his hardest against every part of him screaming to go after her, to somehow convince her to stay. His head dropped as it finally sank in for him that it truly was over; and despite his best efforts, there was nothing he could do about it. He had tried his best, and the only possibility left was to respect her wishes and refrain from making things any harder than they had to be.

Michaela turned around, slightly puzzled as to why he wasn't with her. Surely her bold move had been all the answer he needed? Maybe her forwardness scared him… maybe he had changed his mind…._No._ she told herself firmly, even as her legs quivered beneath her. There would be no more of that; she would be confident in herself, in her love for Sully, and in Sully's love for her. She would no longer hide. She slowly offered her hand and held her breath as she waited. She waited what was probably the longest half of a second in her memory before Sully's face split into a wide grin and he ran towards her, swooping her up and spinning her around.

He laughed and gave her an exuberant kiss as he set her down. Michaela's heart felt full as the last of the cloud hanging over them dissipated; this was joy. She brought a loving hand up to his face and gently swept his hair out of his eyes, unable to keep her hands from touching him; reassuring herself that this was all real.

"How are your stitches?" She mentioned absently as she ran her fingers through his sun streaked hair.

Sully couldn't think about the stitches, because her fingers were placing feather light touches over his face in that way he had thought he would never feel again. Her glorious warm hands grazed the slightly discoloured area around his temple, and he had never before experienced such thankfulness for an injury.

"Ain't nothin' ever felt better in my whole life."

Together, hand in hand, they walked down the mountain; grateful to whomever was listening for allowing them to finally find their way.

_**When all is lost, and startled from our sorrow,**_

_**Tranced from our grief by that diviner grief,**_

_**We raised remembering eyes, each looked at other,**_

_**Blinded with tears of joy; and another leaf**_

_**Fell silently as that first; and in the instant **_

_**The shadow had gone, our quarrel became absurd;**_

_**And we rose, to the angelic voices of the music,**_

_**And I touched your hand, and we kissed, without a word.**_

Fin

* * *

_That's the last of it. Thanks to everyone who read... I hope it was enjoyable despite the emo angst, lol. I think I just really needed there to be nothing left usaid between them on this issue. Anyways, it's out of my system. Thanks!_


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